(In the car with two guy friends who are talking about our zombie apocalypse plans. I’m sitting in the back.)

Me: “What would you guys do if I was turned?”

(They look at each other with evil grins.)

Friend #1: “Oh, honey, at the speed you walk we’re using you as bait.”

(They both start laughing.)

Me: *laughing* “F*** you both. I’m gonna turn and get revenge and eat you both.”

Driver: “We love you, [My Name].”

Me: “Yeah, yeah, love you, too. I’m still gonna eat your faces.”

(My mum and her friend are on their way to pick me up from a restaurant where I’ve been having dinner with a small group of friends. It’s about 10 pm and as they cross over a bridge to get to the restaurant neither of them notice the speed change sign, from 70 to 60 across the bridge back to 70. They get pulled over.)

Officer: “Hello, ladies, do you know why I pulled you over?”

Friend: “Honestly, no.”

Officer: “Well, as you crossed the bridge the speed reduces to 60. Didn’t you notice the sign?”

Friend: *starting to get panicky* “Oh, goodness, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see it.”

Officer: “Where are you ladies headed this time of night?”

Friend: “We’re on our way to [Restaurant] to pick my friend’s daughter up.”

(Looks in at mum.)

Officer: “How old is your daughter, ma’am?”

Friend: “She’s 20”

(Legal drinking age in Australia is 18.)

Officer: “So, she would have had some drinks”

Mum: “Quite possibly, yes.”

Officer: “Well, ladies, because you’re doing a good deed and picking up this young woman so she doesn’t drive under the influence, I’m just going to give you a warning tonight, okay? But, please take care and watch out for speed changes.”

Friend: “Oh, bless you. Thank you. I will watch out. You stay safe, too.”

Officer: “Night, ladies.”

(They arrive at the restaurant and as I jump in the car they tell me about what happened. I start to laugh.)

Me: “So, mum, I guess you didn’t tell him that I don’t have a car or a license?”

Mum: “Well, he didn’t ask about that.”

(I found it amusing too because I was and still am a non-drinker, due to not liking the taste of most alcohol, and all I had been drinking that night was Diet Coke!)

(This takes place when I’m hanging out with a friend and we’re driving to the movies. My friend is a guy, I’m a girl, and many people used to say how we would get together even though we don’t see each other that way.)

Friend: *messes with the air conditioning and the windows start to fog up* “No! Bad car! We do not want it to get hot and steamy in here!”

Me: *starts to laugh before a very sexually explicit song comes on the radio*

Friend: “D*** it, car! Stop trying to ship us!”

(My husband and I are in the car on the way to a train station.)

Husband: “Did you see that kid on the side of the road trying to keep up with his parent? He was kicking his knees up and it looked like he has an R2D2 backpack that is bigger than he is.”

Me: “I did not notice. By the way, I had a huge heavy backpack as a kid.”

Husband: “Really, how so?”

Me: “Well, I always brought my books to school, because… nerd. I attended musical school, so books and paper music for that too, plus debate club and art studio. I was a busy bee.”

Husband: *enlightened look* “It ALL makes sense now!”

Me: “What makes sense?”

Husband: “Your boobs; why they are big.”

Me: *confused* “What?”

Husband: “Well, you had a heavy backpack and your body thought ‘we need to balance it out’ and grew big boobs. Makes total sense.”

Me: “…”

(My dad is driving me home from my last soccer game, and has agreed to get milkshakes to celebrate. We’re in the drive-thru.)

Dad: “I’ll take two chocolate milkshakes.”

Employee #1: “All right, that’ll be $4.08 at the next window.”

(My dad drives up to the next window and pays. After receiving his change, he drives away from the restaurant.)

Me: “Uhh, Dad? Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Dad: “Huh?” *realization hits* “OH, SHOOT, THE MILKSHAKES!”

(My dad drives up to the window where we were supposed to pick up the milkshakes and explains what happened to the employee.)

Employee #2: “Yeah, we were a little confused as to why you paid and just drove off. We just gave your milkshakes to the car behind you, but I’ll make you some new ones.”

(Now, every time you pay at the restaurant’s drive-thru, they always say, “Don’t forget to pick up your food at the second window.”)