(Since we got married, my husband has never used lip balms from the tube. I have always over-applied them onto my own lips and kissed him to give him his share.)
Me: “Do you need any lip balm?”
Husband: “Yes?”
Me: “Do you really need it then?”
Husband: “Well, it wouldn’t hurt.”
Me: “So you don’t really need any.”
Husband: “I just like the applicator.”
(I’m known in my group of friends as the laid back, chill one. I rarely lose it on them but I have road rage. Not dangerously bad, just where I yell inside my car. Couple of friends, all of whom are boys (I’m the only female in the car), who have never seen me drive, were in the car the other day when this happens.)
Me: *driving when someone cuts me off* “SON OF A B****!”
Friend #1: “Jeez, [My Name]!”
Me: “What? She cut me off! I could have hit her.”
Friend #2: *sitting behind me laughing* [My Name], you need to chill.
Me: “Sor– BLINKERS, D*** IT!”
Friend #2: *dying of laughter* “I’ve never seen you like this; it’s kinda funny”
Me: “Yeah, my girlfriend thinks it’s funny, too. Apparently it’s amusing to see me annoyed as h***.” *waiting at a light, looking at him in my rearview*
Friend #3: “It kinda is; you’re never this easily riled up in school.” *grinning*
Me: “Because people in school don’t drive like idiots in the halls.”
(Right at that moment the light changes and I start going straight. A car turns, cutting me off and forcing me to slam on brakes.)
Me: “RIGHT OF WAY, YOU B****!” *hits the horn*
Friend #1: “…Maybe I should drive?”
Friends #2 & #3: *laughing in the back seats*
Me: “Here’s a coupon for a free meal at [Fast Food Place] because I love you.”
Wife: “Thanks! I love [Fast Food Place]!”
Me: “You love [Fast Food Place]? I don’t even get an ‘I love you’ back?”
(My boyfriend and I are driving home from an amazing dinner for Valentine’s day. He loves spicy food and he had to use his hands.)
Me: “This was a great night; I can’t believe I’m spending it with you.”
Boyfriend: Me, neither. I can’t wait to get you home and make it an even better night.
(He winks at me and puts his hand near my crotch. I look at him and let him proceed to go into my pants and he’s trying some foreplay.)
Boyfriend: “Heating you up is definitely fun!”
Me: “That makes two of us!” *my crotch starts burning and I take his hand out of my pants* “That’s weird…”
Boyfriend: “What?”
(I tell him and he looks at me funny.)
Me: “Oh, my god. You didn’t wash your hands, did you?”
(He realized what happened and had to pull over the car because he was laughing so hard.)
(We are in the car when the song ‘Thrift Shop’ comes on.)
Little Sister: “Doesn’t he wear grandma’s clothes?”
Me: *laughing* “No, just because he says something doesn’t mean it’s true.”
Twin Sister: “Unless it’s Taylor Swift…”
