(My boyfriend and I are driving across the country to move to Oregon. We decide to make the trip fun and stop at lots of places. We have just left the Grand Canyon a bit ago and Arizona has been endless miles of nothing; more specifically, no restaurants, and we are getting hungry. I start talking about how I want to go to the Donner memorial park in California. It’s worth noting we have a joke where I’m only marrying him for his life insurance.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, we’re gonna die or here. We’re both so hungry we’ll starve. We’ll have to figure out how to survive.”

Me: *after brushing up some facts about survival because of the next location we’re going to* “Well, statistically, you’ll die first, because you’re male. You metabolize protein faster than women and require a higher calorie intake. I store far better than you and require a lower calorie intake. You’re best shot at survival is your age. But you’ll probably die and then I’ll have to eat you.”

Boyfriend: “Babe, would you really eat me?”

Me: “No, they have to recover the body for your life insurance to kick in, right?”

(For some reason after this, we burst into laughter as we finally found an exit with food.)

(I am in the car with my toddler daughter, my friend, and her baby son when my pregnant sister calls me. She’s concerned that she’s being too overly emotional about things. I know she just needs to chill out so this is what my friend hears:)

Me: “No, no, it’s okay. You’re fine. [Sister], you’re pregnant right now, and you can use that for an explanation to get away with anything except for murder.”

(She laughed, and when I hung up the phone my friend burst out laughing.)

Dear readers! This story was originally submitted without a title, to encourage you to come up with a witty submission yourselves. After considering the many amazing suggestions in the comments section, we have come up with the title above. Thank you all for participating; we had a blast reading them!

(My parents and I are driving through downtown; my father is in the driver’s side. I grow bored and decide to make a mini airplane, which I throw at my mother.)

Mom: *jokingly* “Surprised she didn’t write any insults on it!”

(Being the sarcastic teenager I am, I make another mini airplane with the word “Insults” written on the side, and throw it.)

Mom: “Oh, aren’t you funny? She wrote ‘insults’ on it!”

Dad: “What’s it say?”

Mom: “‘Insults.'”

Dad: “What kind of insults?”

Mom: “No, just ‘insults.'”

Dad: “There could be a lot of different insults!”

Mom: “It says ‘Insults’!”

Dad: “But what KIND of insult? Is it mean?”

Me: *laughing so hard I can hardly breathe* “It says the word ‘insults.’ I didn’t write any actual insults!”

Dad: “Oooh. How was I supposed to know that?”

(It is raining hard and cold, and my windshield ices over thickly. I can’t see anything so I pull over and turn on my hazard lights.)

Police: “You can’t stop here.”

Me: “It’s an emergency. I can’t see out.”

Police: *mimicking* ” You can’t see out… You’re blocking traffic.”

Me: “There’s no one else on the road.” *it is early morning*

Police: “License and registration!”

(I give them to him.)

Police: “And insurance!”

(I give that also. He runs them a few times, trying to catch me on something. Luckily, I had just updated everything so there is nothing. After 30 min, he comes back, looking less sure and more disappointed. By now the rain has lessened and my windshield is clear.)

Police: “You have a good record and no convictions so… I’ll let you go. This time!”

(He wrote a warning to me and drove off. I tossed it in my car’s trash bag. I guess he would’ve rather I hit a pole instead of stopping and clearing my windshield.)

(My sister, my mum, and I are driving home. My mum is known for being a bit of a stickler for the rules of the local council of which she is a member; regardless of whether they have been passed or not. As we’re driving through my village we pass the 40 MPH speed sign and my mum starts clicking her fingers and pointing.)

Mum: “Right, slow down.”

Sister: “Err… why? I’m going at the speed limit.”

Mum: “Slow down.”

Me: “Mum, she just told you she’s already at the speed limit.”

Mum: “Look, the council is considering changing the speed limit to 30. Slow down.”

Sister: “But the sign still says 40!”

Mum: “Look, what the council say goes; now, slow down!”

Me: “But you just said it’s not actually been passed yet, correct?”

Mum: “That’s not the point. They are still changing—”

Sister: “Mum, seriously, it’s not even a law yet. I’m not doing anything wrong!”

Mum: “No, you are; the council is—”

Me: “Yes, but you just said the word ‘considering,’ meaning it hasn’t been passed yet, so therefore the current limit stands?”

Mum: *sighs* “That’s not the point.”

Me: “Sorry, mum, but until that signs reads 30, you have nothing but hearsay going for you; carry on sis!”

(My sister grinned slightly at this. My mum sulked the rest of the way home.)