(I try to keep my Spanish skills up to date by practicing along with a CD in my car. It says a phrase in English, and then repeats it twice in Spanish. I’m getting my kids ready to go shopping with me and we are leaving the house.)
10-Year-Old: “Mom, should I bring my purse?”
Me: “Um, sure, in case you want to buy something besides shoes, but you don’t have to pay for your own shoes.”
8-Year-Old: “I don’t know where my money is!”
Me: “Don’t worry about it. I’ll pay for the shoes.”
10-Year-Old: “I might want something else! Can I borrow some money?”
(We get in the car and I turn it on. The CD immediately starts playing.)
CD voice: “Children depend on their parents for money.”
All Of Us: “WHOA… Weird!”
(I am 14, and my mother and I are driving home. It’s just us in the car and she needs me to write her a check.)
Mother: “So, do you know how to balance a checkbook?”
Me: “Like, on your lap while you’re driving?”
(My mom and I are trying to find a clubhouse for a party. Because my mom messed up the address, I have to use my phone to find the location of the club. The phone says that there isn’t another right turn until we need to turn so I felt I would point that out.)
Me: “Okay, so, just drive straight until you meet the next right.”
Mom: “Got it.”
(Approaches a left.)
Mom: “So turn here?”
Me: “Nope, mom, that’s a left.”
(A few seconds later we approach another left.)
Mom: “Do I turn now?”
Me: “…No, mom, that’s still a left.”
Mom: “Just checking.”
(Approaches the right turn.)
Me: “Here, turn here.”
Mom: “Here?”
Me: “YES!”
Mom: “Ok, OK!”
(We pass the turn.)
Me: “…”
(My boyfriend and I are driving across the country to move to Oregon. We decide to make the trip fun and stop at lots of places. We have just left the Grand Canyon a bit ago and Arizona has been endless miles of nothing; more specifically, no restaurants, and we are getting hungry. I start talking about how I want to go to the Donner memorial park in California. It’s worth noting we have a joke where I’m only marrying him for his life insurance.)
Boyfriend: “Babe, we’re gonna die or here. We’re both so hungry we’ll starve. We’ll have to figure out how to survive.”
Me: *after brushing up some facts about survival because of the next location we’re going to* “Well, statistically, you’ll die first, because you’re male. You metabolize protein faster than women and require a higher calorie intake. I store far better than you and require a lower calorie intake. You’re best shot at survival is your age. But you’ll probably die and then I’ll have to eat you.”
Boyfriend: “Babe, would you really eat me?”
Me: “No, they have to recover the body for your life insurance to kick in, right?”
(For some reason after this, we burst into laughter as we finally found an exit with food.)
(I am in the car with my toddler daughter, my friend, and her baby son when my pregnant sister calls me. She’s concerned that she’s being too overly emotional about things. I know she just needs to chill out so this is what my friend hears:)
Me: “No, no, it’s okay. You’re fine. [Sister], you’re pregnant right now, and you can use that for an explanation to get away with anything except for murder.”
(She laughed, and when I hung up the phone my friend burst out laughing.)
Dear readers! This story was originally submitted without a title, to encourage you to come up with a witty submission yourselves. After considering the many amazing suggestions in the comments section, we have come up with the title above. Thank you all for participating; we had a blast reading them!
