(A customer calls up, saying she checked her account online and saw her order was cancelled.)

Customer: “Why was it cancelled? I never asked it to be cancelled!”

Me: “Well, it looks like when the order was placed, but the CVC was input incorrectly, so we were unable to take payment.”

Customer: “Well, who put it in incorrectly!?”

Me: “Umm, it was actually you who placed it online.”

Customer: “Well, why did no one bother calling me to let me know there was a problem!?”

Me: “When you set the order up online, you didn’t provide us with a contact number.”

Customer: *hangs up*

Operator: “Thank you calling [cellphone company]. My name is Paul. How may I help you?”

Me: “Hi, I lost my phone this morning. It slipped from a pouch on the back of my bike I forgot to zip up. I was calling it, hoping somebody would find it and answer, but now it’s going straight to voicemail.”

Operator: “Any chance the battery just died?”

Me: “I don’t think so. It was fully charged. At first it was ringing out, but now it looks like somebody’s switched it off; it goes straight to voicemail. I’d like to get the number blocked so they can’t use up all my call credit before I get the number transferred to a new phone.”

Operator: “And are you calling from the phone in question?”

Me: “Wha… yes. Yes, I am calling you right now from the phone I’m reporting stolen.”

Operator: *finally gets it* “Okay, and… oh! Right!”

(I have spoken to this caller about two weeks ago. She calls again and I pull up her account.)

Caller: “I called a couple of weeks ago and was told to expect a check for $1000.”

Me: “Yes, that’s correct, I remember authorizing the check myself, let me review the file. I spoke to you on the 9th, and the check went out on the 10th.”

Caller: “Today is the 22nd, and I haven’t received it yet.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, let’s double-check your address. We send the check to [address].”

Caller: “Yes, that is correct.”

Me: “Okay, let’s make sure that we have everything spelled correctly.”

(We double-check that her name and address are spelled correctly.)

Me: “Ma’am, have you been having any difficulties with receiving your mail? Have you gotten the mail from anybody else?”

Caller: “I don’t know, I haven’t checked the mail all week!”

Me: “Then maybe you should check your mail?”

Caller: “As in right now?”

Me: “Yes, I can hold while you check.”

Caller: “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

(Caller puts the phone down, and she comes back on the line in about a minute.)

Caller: “I got the check!”

(I am taking an otherwise typical IT call from one of our shop managers when she decides to go off on a tangent.)

Manager: “Do you guys control the CCTV cameras here?”

Me: “No, that’s handled by a separate company.”

Manager: “Oh, I see. I was just wondering if anyone is actually watching the screens all the time, because some of us get changed in here.”

(Note that she is referring to changing in the back office of the shop, rather than the designated changing area.)

Me: “Um, if it were me, I’d probably assume someone could be watching at any time and act accordingly.”

Manager: “Oh, at my age you stop worrying about those things. Let them look!”

(We work for a major satellite TV company. Part of our job is booking the nightly showings on adult channels. Note: Playboy Lovers used to be [and still is, in practice] Playboy Lesbian.)

Coworker: “Hey, this girl just rang up to book Playboy Lovers. I would never do that for my boyfriend!”

Me: “She might have been doing it just for her?”

Coworker: “Why would a woman book Playboy Lovers?”

Me: “Oh, honey, think it through…”

Coworker: “…I suppose it might be for her flatmates?”