Me: “My name is Guinan Chan. But, just write ‘G Chan’; it’s easier.”

Employee: “Guinan?”

Me: “Yes, but just use my first initial.”

Employee: “I’m sorry, but Guinan?”

Me: “Yes, it’s Mandarin. I realize that sounds unusual here.”

Employee: “I’m sorry, but you need an English name.”

Me: “…Pardon?”

Employee: “You need an English name.”

Me: “Okay… how about Pennebrygg?”

Employee: “…”

Me: “…with two Ns and two Gs.”

Employee: “…”

Me: “It’s English. It dates back to at least the 14th century.”

(My order arrived addressed to ‘G Chan’.)

(We have hired several operators recently for a limited period of time, and only some of them will stay in the company. I’m having a meeting with one of those who will leave; it’s because of her behavior.)

Me: “According to your performance reviews, you exceeded your allowed break time for 13 weeks, were late at least 5 times each month and refused to obey your manager 2 times. Why’s that?”

Operator: “Because of fat people.”

Me: “…What?”

Operator: “You put me with a fatty. Fatties are not people. I refuse to work with this… thing.”

(I stay dazed for a minute to process that “info”, since I’m myself clearly overweight.)

Me: “You know discrimination is a legal offen—”

Operator: “No, no, no, no, no, it’s not! Fatties do nothing but eat, fart and be ugly! They’re not people!”

Me: “I’m going to have to write you up for this.”

Operator: “But why? I’m right! Fatties are NOT people! YOU are not people! How can you judge people when you can’t stop yourself to eat?! You’re not people!”

(After discussion with the centre director, she was terminated on the spot. In a cruel twist of irony, the “fatty” in her team is now a manager.)

(The caller is already upset when she calls in. I am trying to obtain her information to set up service. I ask her for her phone number and she rattles off 7 digits.)

Me: “Ma’am, I need your area code as well.”

Customer: “I’m in Austin, Texas! What do you think it is?”

Me: “Well, because of multiple cellphone companies with their own area codes, I don’t automatically know your area code. I’ll need you to provide it.”

Customer: “Where are you?”

Me: “I’m in Ohio.”

Customer: *becomes hysterical* “Oh my God! Oh my God! We need jobs here and they keep outsourcing and sending all of our jobs overseas!”

Me: “Ma’am, I promise you, Ohio is a state.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t! It’s not in Austin!”

(Many debit cards and credit cards now come with contact-less payment technology. I get at least two calls a day to remove the technology from cards, which the bank can’t do.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [bank]. My name is [name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve just received my new credit card, and it has that radio frequency payment stuff on it. I don’t want it.”

Me: “Unfortunately, [major credit card company] has made that technology a standard across all cards. We at [bank] have no control over this and cannot remove it. You don’t have to use contact-less payment if you don’t wish to. You can still sign or pin when making pay—”

Customer: “I don’t want it! You’ve got two choices: issue me a card that doesn’t have it, or I’ll chop up the card right now!”

(Note that it has been a very long day at this point: our computer systems have crashed, causing long delays in the call queue. So, having angry customer after angry customer has been taking it’s toll on me.)

Me: “Well, best break out the scissors then.”

Customer: “I’ll close my account!”

Me: “Okay, if I can have your card number, I’ll cancel and close your account now.”

Customer: “Er… umm…” *defeated* “No, I’ll activate the card please. If that’s okay?”

Employee #1: “Hi, my name’s Chris. How can I help you today?”

Me: “Hi, I was wondering how to get on to my online banking account. It’s acting weird.”

Employee #1: “Okay, can I get your information?”

Me: *gives her my information*

Employee #1: “Okay, [my name]. I’ll get you started. Unfortunately, this isn’t my area of expertise, so I’m going to transfer you to [different branch]. Please hold…”

(20 minutes pass.)

Employee #2: “Hi, [my name]. My name’s Thomas. How can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, I was directed to you for help with my online banking account, because it’s—”

Employee #2: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you with that. Let me transfer you to someone that can help you.”

Me: “Wait, but—” *elevator music begins playing*

(30 minutes pass.)

Employee #3: “Hi! What can I help you with, [my name]?”

Me: “I’m just trying to find someone to help me with my online bank—”

Employee #3: “Yeah, I’m going to have to transfer you. No one in this department knows how to handle that.”

Me: “No, wait, I just—” *elevator music plays again*

(10 minutes pass. This time, a familiar voice picks up.)

Employee #1: “Hi, my name’s Chris. How can I help you?”