No Dollars, No Sense

, , , , | Right | March 5, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]; may I have your full name, please?”

Customer: “I’m not giving you my full name. I want to speak to a supervisor.”

Me: “I’m sure I can help you solve your problem, ma’am.. Just give me your full name so I can look up your information.”

Customer: “All right, FINE! My name is [Customer].”

Me: “Thank you, Ms. [Customer]. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I was at the store trying to buy baby formula, but I didn’t have any money left on my account. Why is that?”

Me: “Well, it appears you have made several purchases throughout the day, and you eventually ran out of money.”

Customer: *yelling* “I KNOW THAT! I BOUGHT STUFF EARLIER, BUT WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY MONEY LEFT?!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, you could go ahead and return what you bought to get your money back and–”

Customer: *interrupting, baby crying in the background* “HOLD ON, SIR!”

Background Voice: “Hi, welcome to [Store]. How can I help you today?”

(The customer starts placing a food order while I wait on the line for her to get back to me, and the baby keeps crying.)

Customer: “Here, baby, don’t cry… Have some fries.”

Me: “Ms. [Customer], are you still there?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m here. Have you put my money back in my account yet?”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. You’ve already spent the money, so your best bet is to go and return some of the things you bought earlier.”

Customer: “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT FOR ME!”

Me: “I can’t do that; you have to do it personally.”

Customer: “CAN’T YOU JUST DO IT ON YOUR COMPUTER?!”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s not physically possible for me to walk into a store with your stuff through my computer.”

Customer: *yelling louder* “WELL, IF YOU CAN’T USE ALL YOUR TECHNOLOGY TO DO A SIMPLE THING LIKE THAT, I’M GONNA HAVE TO SWITCH BANKS! THANKS FOR NOTHING!” *hangs up*

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Thanks For (Almost) Nothing

, , | Right | March 3, 2009

(I’ve just activated a cable channel for a woman and am ending the call.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah, how much was it again?”

Me: “It’s $4.01 a month, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why $4.01? Why not just four dollars?”

Me: “Ma’am, I only activate the channels, I don’t set the prices.”

Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. I don’t know if I want it anymore. It should only be four dollars.”

Me: “I can certainly put in a complaint for you.”

Customer: “Yeah, you do that. And you take it off and I don’t want to pay that fee for taking it off. It should only be four dollars!”

Me: “Look, ma’am, I’ll find twelve cents and mail it to you. That covers that one cent for a whole year. Can I have your address?”

Customer: “Have a nice day!”

(And then she hung up on me.)

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Customer Service II: The Reckoning

| Right | February 23, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] Communications, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, my cable box in my bedroom is not working.”

Me: “Okay, I can talk a look at that for you. How is it not working?”

Caller: “Look, I just want to watch Eragon in my room…”

(I finally figure out that the box will not take the signal we are sending.)

Me: “It looks like we will need to get a tech out there to replace the box.”

Caller: “Why?”

(I try to explain that the box is refusing the signal and that we need to switch the box. This goes on for five minutes before I give up and try an alternative answer…)

Me: “Um… the box has gone rogue and is no longer taking instructions from us. We need to bring it back in for training.”

Caller: “Oh, that makes sense! Why didn’t you just say that?”

Me: “…”

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Coming Soon: GetRobots.com

, , | Right | February 23, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling Gift Card Support. This is [My Name]. Can I have your name, please?”

Customer: “Oh! Uh! You don’t have an automated service?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir… What do you mean?”

Customer: “Automated service: a recording answering the call, and not an actual person.”

Me: “No, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Uh, um… I don’t want to deal with a real person. I want a recording.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but all you have is me. Do you want to check the balance on your card?”

Customer: *voice trembling* “You know what? Never mind, I was expecting this to be an automated service.” *click*

 

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Like A Dog Chasing Its Own Tail

, , , | Right | February 6, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]; [My Name] speaking. How may I…”

Client: *thick accent* “Yes, hello? Are you there?”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “I just tried purchase insurance.”

Me: “Okay?”

Caller: “It said error.”

Me: “Okay, what else does it say?”

Caller: “Just error.”

Me: “Well, that can be anything. Normally it says more specific details. Is there anything else it says?”

Caller: “I think it has something to do with the beneficiary part.”

Me: “You mean for the life insurance portion?”

Caller: “Yes. I put myself as the beneficiary for my policy. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to put?”

Me: “So, you put yourself as the person who receives the money if you die?”

Caller: “Yes. Isn’t that right?”

Me: *facepalm*

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