(I am sitting at the table where we require pool patrons to sign in. It is a slow afternoon early in the season, so I have been given permission to read. A patron enters with his young daughter, and I look up.)

Customer: “I think they’re mating.”

(Suddenly, the customer throws a pair of cockroaches on my still-open book. I jump back, let the book fall to the floor, and then stare back at him.)

Customer: *grins* “Wait ’til I find out what you’re REALLY afraid of!”

Me: *speechless*

(I quit two weeks later.)

(I am the lead in the lingerie department. After watching me for 15 minutes, a middle-aged man approaches me as I’m folding underwear. Note that this customer has bothered other female workers and is clearly a panty fetishist.)

Customer: “So, I’m buying some panties for my teenage daughter. Are these something that she would like?” *hands me a satin thong*

Me: “It depends on your daughter, but the pattern on them is nice.”

Customer: “But, will she like them? You’re about the same age. Do you wear panties like these? You said that they were nice. Do you own a pair of these panties?”

(I’ve worked in lingerie for awhile now and know what this customer is up to.)

Me: “Oh no, sir. Thongs are very bad for vaginal health. They help bacteria move from the anus to the vulva area and can cause urinary tract infections. Plus, cotton underwear really are the best, as satin doesn’t breathe properly and can lead to yeast infections.”

Customer: *stunned silence, turning red*

Me: *leads him to the “granny panty” section* “Really, these would be the best for your daughter. They’re the only underwear that I’ll wear! It’s best for her vaginal health. This four-pack is very economical. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Customer: *drops satin underwear and walks away very fast*

Me: “Have a great day!”

(My manager saw the exchange and gave me a high-five. The customer still bought underwear from us, but he never bothered another female worker again!)

(Our snack bar serves a selection of lunch items plus a Daily Special.  On this particular day, the chef is having an off day so the risotto is really overcooked and flavorless. A regular customer, who is very nice and almost always eats the Special, arrives to place his order.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [snack bar]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “The Special.”

Me: “Um, are you sure? It’s a bit ‘different’ today. Would you like something else?”

Customer: “No, I’ll have the Special.”

Me: *leaning forward and whispering* “The chef’s not having a good day. The special is horrible.” back to a normal voice* “So, what can I get for you?”

Customer: *laughing* “It’s okay, I’ll have the Special. It can’t be that bad.”

Me: *laughing too* “On your head be it!”

(Half an hour later, I am clearing tables. The customer is finishing his drink and reading a newspaper. I notice that his plate of risotto is sitting in front of him, barely touched.)

Me: “You didn’t like the Special, then?”

Customer: *looks sadly at his plate of food* “I really should listen when even the employees warn me…”

(My manager ended up giving him vouchers for a couple of free meals. He had to be persuaded to take them, as he was quite willing to live with his choice seeing as how he had ignored my ‘warning’!)

(I’m the specialist for the children’s books. A customer comes up and asks me to take her to a popular kids’ series, so I do.)

Customer: “Now, my granddaughter has numbers 1 and 2.”

Me: “Great. We have the rest of the series if you’d like to pick up a few more.”

Customer: “But what should I get?” *spreads her hands helplessly* “She has 1 and 2 already, what should I get next?”

Me: “You could get 3.”

(The customer stands there blankly while I point to the book. She doesn’t move or react until I physically pick it up and put it in her hand.)

Customer: “And then… should I go down to 4?”

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(I am working the register where a customer has just paid with a bunch of two dollar bills. Just to be sure we can take them, I ask my manager, who says yes. Upon hearing this, the customer starts making fun of me.)

Customer: “Haha! Haven’t you ever seen a $2 bill before?! Aren’t you a real American? I’ve never seen anyone who doesn’t know what a $2 bill is. Haha!”

Me: “I’m… I’m sorry, sir.”

(The customer then proceeds to get the rest of the line behind him to laugh at me. I am humiliated and stewing by this point, but send him on his way, smiling the whole time. Later, I’m in the back room counting the money in my register into the safe for the end of my shift. My manager comes into the back to talk to me.)

Manager: “There’s a customer at the front counter who wants to talk to you.”

(I go out there and it’s the $2 bill customer from earlier. I’m bracing myself for round two when this happens.)

Customer: “I just wanted to say I’m really sorry for making fun of you earlier. It wasn’t right. I was in a bad mood and I took it out on you, and you didn’t deserve it.”

Me: “It’s okay, sir.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t. You were just trying to do your job and I embarrassed you. That’s not okay. I’m very sorry. Buddies?”

Me: “Buddies.” *we shake hands*

(After I got off work he told me some of the history of $2 bills. When he left he said, “Don’t let them get to you!” He comes in almost every day now, and it’s always nice to see him!)