Customer: “Looks like I’ll need cash back today.”

(The customer opens his wallet. It’s empty.)

Me: *laughs* “Oh, I know how that is.” *joking* “But I never even have the cash to get back.”

(The customer gets $40 in cash back. I hand him two twenties.)

Me: “Twenty and forty, have a good day, sir!”

Customer: “Thank you!”

(He walks off a moment, then turns around and tosses one of the twenties I handed him onto the register.)

Customer: “A little cash back for you.” *smiles*

(Before I can protest, he leaves. I wound up using that $20 to fill my gas tank. Thank you, sir!)

Me: “Okay, will that be all?”

Customer #1: “Yes, thanks.”

Me: “Do you have a [store] card?”

Customer #1: “Oh, I do!”

Me: “Alright, your total is $9.43.”

Customer #1: “Oh look, I even saved money!”

Customer #2: “How much?”

Me: “Umm, $0.60.”

Customer #2: “Ooh, that’s almost half a dollar!”

(I work as a bouncer at a bar in a small Illinois college town. On the busier weekend nights there are cops stationed in the bar district. Sometimes, they just sit and talk with the various bouncers, asking how their nights are going and watching for drunks. As I’m out at the exit door talking with one, he is telling me that it has been a slow night for the police with no real problems. Just then, a patron stumbles out of my door with a beer bottle in his hand.)

Me: “Sir, you can’t bring your beer outside of the bar. Could you please go back inside with it?”

Customer: “Why don’t you f*** off! You can’t do s*** to me!”

(Before I can say anything, the cop, who is next to me but out of view of the customer, steps out and addresses him in a non-threatening but very deep tone.)

Cop: “I advise you do what this man says. He may not be able to harm you, but I can. And I would love for you to give me an excuse to arrest you.”

(The customer looks as for a moment he is going to take a swing at the cop, but reconsiders his actions.)

Customer: “Perhaps I should go back inside.” *hurries back inside*

Cop: *turns to me* “I was really hoping he would make a move. Then I’d finally get to do something fun tonight!”

(It is 1993. I am working the register when an elderly woman comes up to the counter.)

Customer: “Do you have that book, Body Parts?”

Me: “Hmm, I don’t know that one by name, but let’s see if we can find it. Who’s the author?”

Customer: “I don’t know. It’s that new story, Body Parts… Body Parts.”

Me: “Hmm, okay, just give me one second to look it up so we can find it on the shelves. All our fiction is alphabetical by author.”

(I look it up in our primitive computer, and find an old book.)

Me: “Well, I don’t have that book here, but I can order it for you. It would take one to two weeks.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have it? My son says it’s a bestseller! You should have a lot of them! He saw it here and I want to get it for him for his birthday!”

Me: “Actually, it’s a few years old and we haven’t had it in the store for some time now. When’s his birthday? Maybe I can get it in time.”

Customer: “No, he saw it here yesterday! Body Parts! It’s a bestseller.”

Me: *flash of recognition* “Wait, a bestseller, right? Are you looking for Private Parts by Howard Stern?”

Customer: “That’s what I said! Private Parts! Private Parts!”

(The woman is now yelling the correct name of the book. Other customers turn to look and giggle.)

Me: “Of course, Private Parts. Sorry, I must have heard you wrong. Right this way.”

(I bring her to the best sellers rack and hand her a copy of the book. The cover has a photo of the disk jockey Howard Stern, naked, but holding a cloth over his private parts.)

Me: “Is this the book?”

Customer: *squints through her glasses at the book* “Oh! This is disgusting! Ugh! My no-good son’s gonna get it!”

(She drops the book on the floor and walks out in a huff.)

(The gift store where I work is going out of business. There are signs hanging up that state which items are excluded. Although the 50% off is written larger, the restrictions are still written in a fairly large font. A husband and wife are in the store.)

Me: “That will be $xx.xx.”

Husband: “Oh, why is it so expensive?”

Me: *pointing to the signs* “Well, due to vendor restrictions, the Willow Tree pieces are not part of the 50% off sale.”

Husband: “Oh, okay.”

(He pays for his purchase and starts to head toward the door, just as the wife is coming back in. The husband explains to the wife that the figures were full price.)

Wife: *to me* “Those were supposed to be half price! There’s a sign!” *points at the sign*

Me: “Actually, due to vendor restrictions, we’re not allowed to sell them at half price.”

Wife: “But the sign says 50% off!”

Me: “The sign says 50% off excluding Willow Tree and the jewelry over there.”

Wife: “Well, I didn’t read the bottom of the sign. I just read the part that says 50% off. That sign is misleading!”