(I work at a large big box retailer that sells fabrics, interior furnishings and home-wares, and craft. The phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store Name and Location]. You’re speaking with [My Name]. How can I help you this afternoon?”

Customer: “Hi, I was in your store earlier and I purchased some curtain fabric, and I have an issue with the piece.”

Me: “Okay, sure thing. If there are any flaws, just bring the piece back with your receipt and we’ll be more than happy to replace the piece for you.”

Customer: “Excuse me? Did I say the fabric was flawed?”

Me: “Uh, okay. So what is the issue then?”

Customer: “Well, as I was saying before you rudely interrupted me, I was in your store purchasing some curtaining fabric earlier today, and I paid for five metres. The problem is that I was only given five metres of fabric.”

Me: “Okay, well that is standard practice for all of our stores to give you as much fabric as you pay for.”

Customer: “Well, this is obviously unacceptable. What if I make a mistake when sewing the edges up? You should have given me half a metre extra, so I am coming back to the store now and I want five and a half metres of [fabric] waiting for me for the inconvenience you’ve caused me.”

Me: “That is fine; you’ll have to pay for the extra metre so I will let the department team know you’re coming in for the exchange.”

Customer: “Aren’t you listening to me? You owe me a free half metre of fabric so I will not be paying for it.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we cannot do this, madam. I apologise for any inconveniences caused but no customer will get fabric for free.”

Customer: “You clearly don’t understand how retail works, you stupid child.”

Me: “How about I get a manager to chat with you about this and we can go from there?”

(The manager who had been standing next to me the entire time laughing at me threw me a dirty look, and answered the call. The customer still didn’t understand why we wouldn’t give her the free fabric, and angrily hung up on my manager. She never came in, as far as we know.)

(I work at a local grocery and pharmacy store in my neighborhood in the customer service department. I deal with checks, returns, and things of that nature. A lady walks up to me looking to cash a check.)

Me: “So, you’d like to cash a check for $76? May I see your ID, please?”

Customer: “Absolutely! Here you go.” *I inspect the ID, which expired over seven years ago*

Me: “Miss, I can’t take this ID. It expired on [this date] in ’07. As such, that makes it invalid.”

Customer: “Are you kidding me? This is ridiculous! I cash checks at your sister store down the road all the time with this ID!”

Me: *trying to be as nice as possible* “Well, I can tell you they shouldn’t be doing that either. It’s illegal for me to cash this check with an invalid license. Do you have a valid ID?”

Customer: *searching through her wallet for a newer, legal license* “Here. You need to learn to respect your elders and let the customer be right.”

(I’m 20 and while that is true, I’m not going to break any laws.)

Me: “And while we’re at it, may I ask why you carry around that expired license?”

Customer: “Well, in case I lose my new one, of course!”

(She takes her money and storms out. I turn to a coworker who watched the whole thing.)

Me: “I hope she doesn’t get pulled over and present that. She wouldn’t have a good excuse.”

(I work in the departmental switchboard, so I field calls. If someone’s on their phone or even logged out, the calls reroute to me/ Normally people are fine with me taking messages.)

Me: “Bore da. Good morning.  [Local Government].”

Customer: “Hello! Is that [Male Colleague]?”

Me: “Nope, [Colleague] is off sick at the moment. If you tell me your query I can direct you to somebody else who may be able to help.”

Customer: “Oh, it IS you [Male Colleague]!”

Me: “Ma’am. I am not [Male Colleague], I am [Female Name] and you’re through to switchboard. What’s your query?”

Customer: “How did your op go, [Male Colleague]? I didn’t realise it was THAT kind of op!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am NOT [Male Colleague]. If you tell me what your call is regarding, perhaps I can help you.”

Customer: *ignoring me* “Cruciate ligament, you said. Well, now we know better. I think [Female Name] is a great choice! Good for you!”

Me: “Ma’am, [Male Colleague] is still on sick. He did not have gender reassignment surgery. I am a different person. And I would like, very much, to help you with your query.”

Customer: “It’s okay. I’ll see you at [Local Pub] on Friday. We can have a chat ‘off the record’ and I’ll bring you my favourite lipstick.” *click*

(All my switchboard colleagues, who’ve only heard my half of the conversation, are staring at me.)

Me: “Yeah, I have no idea either.”

(I work in a small independent arts cinema. The theatre is known locally for its wealthy and demanding senior clientele. A fashionable elderly customer, clutching a large expensive handbag, approaches me and a coworker at the box office.)

Customer: “Are you brave?”

Me: *smiling politely* “Umm, I guess so.”

Customer: “Well, a large bee or hornet just fell from your ceiling into my handbag and I want somebody to fish it out.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Are you sure it was a bee or hornet?”

(This is early January in suburban London, in a building that in four years I’ve never seen any bee buzz about in… let alone a hornet!)

Customer: *suddenly angry* “YES, I’M SURE! I don’t know what to do; can’t you reach in and get rid of it!”

Me: “Sorry but I’m not going to reach into the bag Why don’t you tip the contents out carefully onto one of the seats behind you?”

Customer: “Yes, you do that for me.”

Me: “Well, I have no space behind the box office to do that and I wouldn’t want to be at fault if I damaged any of the contents when I shook the bag out. Sorry. Why don’t you try emptying the bag into one of the large popcorn boxes?”

Customer: “Ugh, is that all you can offer me?! A popcorn box…? Well, you’ve been absolutely no help at all.”

(She stomps away… and I go back to serving customers. 30 minutes later I go to check on the cafe within the cinema building and see the handbag wrapped in two layers of clear recycling bags just dumped in a corner. The cafe owner sees me staring at the bag dumbfounded.)

Cafe Coworker: *laughing* “Some woman made me wrap her handbag up because she is terrified about the hornet that got stuck inside, so I’m suffocating it for her. Oh and she told me you and the box office staff were no help and she is going to complain tomorrow.”

(She never did complain.)

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(I am a manager of an independent retail store with strict refund/exchange policies.)

Customer: “Hello, I purchased this frame the other day and would like to swap it as it’s the wrong one.”

Me: “Okay, do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “No. I just want to swap it.”

Me: “Okay, well, without a receipt I can’t really exchange it. It’s also not recognised on our till so I don’t know how much it was originally, therefore can’t swap it as I don’t know if it’s equal value.”

Customer: “THIS IS DISGUSTING! You are meant to support local businesses! This is disgusting!”

Me: “I’m sorry; if you have a bank statement perhaps we can do something.”

Customer: “NO, THIS IS DISGUSTING! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON’T EVEN WANT YOUR F****** PHOTO-FRAME!”

(The customer proceeded to throw the glass photo-frame across the store at my head. I swerved and avoided being hit with the frame and the customer stormed out of the shop. I stood, shocked by what had just happened. The customer then came back into store and demanded the photo-frame back, shouting that she would be making an official complaint about me!)