(I am a cashier checking someone out. At this point, I can see the total: $6.66.)

Me: “Would you like to donate today?”

(This is a standard question.)

Customer: “No, thank you.”

Me: “All right! Your total is $6.66.”

Customer: *grabbing a candy bar* “Can’t have that! I’ll add this, please.”

Me: “Or you could just donate.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, right! I’ll donate, then.”

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(I work in a hotel, where we do room service alongside food in the restaurant. I get a call from this customer.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. You’re speaking with [My Name].”

Customer: “So I see you have a spaghetti bolognese on the menu. Is that a pasta dish?”

Me: “Yes, sir, it is.”

Customer: “And what sort of pasta is it? Like penne or what?”

Me: “It comes served with spaghetti as the pasta, sir.”

Customer: “Oh, cool. And what sauce is it in?”

(The customer does not sound slow, high, or drunk, and at this point I’m unsure of how to answer without sounding like a smart-a**.)

Me: “…bolognese sauce, sir.”

Customer: “Awesome! That sounds good. I wish they had a description on the menu. I’ll have that, please!”

(I work in a department store with several small kitchen appliances, all of which have displays out that a customer can look at and fiddle with. When an item goes out of stock, we often sell off the display for a small discount. A customer approaches me with a milk frother that is part of an espresso machine set.)

Customer: “Hi, I noticed there weren’t any more of these on the shelf. Can I take this one?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, that frother is part of a set. It comes with a machine, and so you have to purchase the machine itself if you want that frother. Otherwise, I could order one for you that doesn’t go with the machine, with free shipping as well.”

Customer: “Hmm, no, I really need it today. Can’t I just take this one?”

Me: “Well, no. As I said, it’s part of a set. You have to buy the whole machine.”

Customer: “But it’s not attached or anything! You can do this for me, can’t you?”

(The customer adopts a grossly sweet tone with me in an apparent attempt to flatter me into giving her the display. We proceed with several more minutes of me telling her that she absolutely cannot have the display. Finally, she gets more belligerent.)

Customer: “I don’t get it; you have numbers for these things! Just plug your numbers into your computer or a register and give me the damn display! I know you sell them and I want this display right now!”

(I’m emotionally exhausted by this point, and although I always want to talk to childish customers as if they are actual children, professionalism usually prevents me from stooping to such a level. I decided we were past formality. However, I remained polite.)

Me: “Ma’am, suppose you have… a chair at home that you really like. One day the leg of the chair breaks, so you go down to the furniture store and find another chair.”

Customer: *with an exasperated huff* “What does this have to do with anything?”

Me: “Just follow me; the leg of your chair is broken, so you go to the store and find a new chair. Now, instead of deciding to buy the new chair, you ask an associate to break off the leg you need and sell you that leg, and only the leg… How do you think that would go?”

(A few moments of silence follow as her cheeks grow red from embarrassment. When she speaks next she bears a much calmer tone.)

Customer: “I think I’d like to speak to a manager, please.”

(Within a minute I was setting the display frother back on its shelf, still unsold.)

(I work at one location of a nationwide chain. One day I answer the phone and start our greeting, only to hear loud beeping sounds, as though the person on the other end is repeatedly hitting the buttons. I’m about to hang up when I hear the man on the other end saying “hello? hello?”)

Me: “Hi, I’m having some trouble hearing you.”

Man: “Hello?! Hello? Have I reached a person? Is this a person?”

(There’s another beeping noise as he hits a button.)

Me: “Yes, this is the [Location] [Business] store.”

Man: “Computer department.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Man: “Computer department. Uhm. IT department!”

Me: “You’ve reached the store.”

Man: “Ugh, transfer me! Eye Teeeeee!”

Me: “The only IT we have is at corporate, located in [Distant State]. I will get you help, if you can tell me your issue.”

Man: “Your website isn’t working.”

Me: “Okay, give me a moment to find their info.”

Man: “You should be the one helping me.”

Me: “I can’t provide tech support for the webpage. I’m just a salesperson.”

Man: “In the yellow pages it listed this as [Business].”

Me: “Yes, the local store, but the website is handled by a different group of people. Okay, there is no direct number I can provide. But, at the bottom of our website is the contact information for the people who handle tech support for the website. There’s a text chat option, or you can email your problem and have them call you back.”

Man: “What good does that do me? I can’t get on your website.”

Me: “You mean you can’t load the website at all?”

Man: “No! And not just you! None of the websites are working today!”

Me: “It sounds like your Internet might not be working. You should probably start by contacting your Internet provider.”

Man: “But it’s your webpage! I want to talk to someone else!”

(He proceeded to push buttons, causing beeping noises on my end, until I finally gave up and hung up.)

(We’ve just gotten the “Beauty and the Beast” remake in. It managed to sell out every single screening for the weekend before Friday afternoon. We are a relatively small theater, but we manage to schedule about 20 screenings of the film between open and close each day over the weekend, and have even started to get permission to start canceling other shows in order to add a few extra show-times for the film. It’s gotten to the point where this new release is so in-demand that the other films we have at the moment are only getting one to three screenings each per day to make room for it. It’s complete and utter chaos, with hundreds of people in the lobby at any given time, our concession staff being unable to even keep up with simple things like making enough popcorn to keep the warmers filled despite bringing in extra people, and the phone ringing off the hook with dozens of calls each hour. Yet despite all this… everyone’s being pretty nice. So of course, about 10 minutes before I’m done for the day on Saturday, a customer has to walk up to me with several other adults and about a half-dozen children…)

Me: “Picking up tickets?”

Customer: “No. I’m gonna need ten tickets to Beauty and the Beast for the 4:45 that just went in.”

Me: “Oh, jeez. I’m sorry. Everything for Beauty and the Beast is sold out until 11:15 tonight. We just added a show for that time. But even that’s already half-full.”

Customer: “Fine. Then give me tickets for the 5:30.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but unfortunately everything is sold out for Beauty and the Beast until 11:15 tonight.”

Customer: “The 6:00 3D showing, then!”

Me: “Again, I apologize, but everything is sold out until 11:15 tonight.”

Customer: “I knew this would happen! The 6:15 showing?”

Me: “…everything is sold out until 11:15.”

Customer: “Fine! Ten tickets to whenever the next showing of Beauty and the Beast’ is! And I’m not paying for all ten tickets!”

Me: “The next available time is at 11:15 tonight.”

(The customer slams her hands on the counter, turns, and starts screaming about how we ‘don’t know how to do anything right.’ Her daughter starts crying and tries to hug her, and hand to god, the customer shoves her daughter away and bellows…)

Customer: “Don’t cry to me! Cry to the jerk there who doesn’t know how to sell us f****** tickets! He can’t even do his job right! It’s his fault. He won’t let you in. Cry to him! Leave me alone!”

(She stormed away, leaving the rest of the group speechless. They slowly sulked away a few moments later.)