(My sister and I are both visiting our parents and still-at-home siblings, the youngest of whom is my thirteen-year-old brother. As it starts getting late, my sister stands up to put on her coat. My brother runs up and gives her a hug.)

Sister: “Oh, drat. I forgot my phone upstairs.”

Brother: “Do you want me to go get it?”

Sister: “Do you want to go get it?”

(He nods enthusiastically.)

Sister: “You wanna go get the phone?”

(He nods frantically.)

Sister: “You wanna go get the phone?”

(He is now quivering with excitement.)

Sister: “Go get the phone!”

(My brother goes tearing upstairs like something out of a Roadrunner cartoon, while all the adults double over laughing. A few seconds later, my brother comes tearing back and proudly deposits the cordless phone into my sister’s hand.)

Sister: “No, silly, I meant my phone!”

(He deflates like popped balloon.)

Brother: “Oh.”

(I’m spending some time babysitting my cousin’s son, who is about five years old. I don’t see him very often, so I’ve picked up on the toy he’s playing with to make a conversation.)

Me: “Oh, cool. Is that a Slitheen model? I love Doctor Who, do you?”

(My cousin gives me a funny look and carries on playing, ignoring me.)

Me: “I don’t like the Slitheens though, they were nasty! I liked the Sycorax, the baddies in the Christmas episode. Did you see them?”

Cousin: matter-of-factly* “You can’t like Doctor Who.”

Me: “Why on earth not?”

Cousin: “You’re old.”

(I am 17.)

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(I’m bringing in the drinks from the kitchen to the dining room, and my dad is in the way of the table.)

Me: “Watch out.”

(My dad continues standing there.)

Me: “Watch out, please?”

(My dad continues standing there.)

Me: “Dude, move it.”

Dad: “Oh, you wanted me to move?”

Me: “Yes, hence the ‘Watch out’?”

Dad: “Oh, I thought that meant you wanted me to be careful.”

Me: “No, ‘Watch out’ means to move.”

Dad: “No, it doesn’t!”

Me: “Yeah, it does! If you were in a zombie movie and a zombie was coming after you and someone told you to watch out, would you just stand there?”

(Silence.)

Me: “Exactly.”

Dad: “D*** you, and your logic.”

(We’ve just informed our 4 year old that mommy’s going to be having another baby. She’s ecstatic and can’t stop talking about it. My wife explains to her that it’s also why she’s forgetting things occasionally lately. My daughter takes that in stride and moves on. About ten minutes later my daughter calls from the other room.)

Daughter: “Mommy! What are you forgetting now?”

(I send my 2 youngest children to the local shop for some basic groceries. The shop is only at the end of the street, but they have never been there on their own before, so are both excited about their first ‘trip’ unsupervised.)

Me: “Alright, do you have the shopping list?”

Son: “Yes, mum!”

Me: “And you’re sure you don’t need me to come with you?”

Daughter: “No, mum! We can do it!”

(I hand them a £20 note.)

Me: “Alright then. And because I am in a good mood today, if you get any loose change from the shopping, feel free to buy yourselves some sweets.”

Son and Daughter: *in unison* “Wow! Thanks, mum!”

(They both hurry out, and come back about twenty minutes later, far longer than it should have taken. My daughter comes in first.)

Me: “Finally you’re back! The shop is barely fifty feet away. What took you so long?”

Daughter: “We had to make sure to pick the best sweets!”

(I then notice she has about seven chocolate bars crammed into her pocket.)

Me: “How much loose change did you get from the twenty?”

Daughter: “About eighteen!”

Me: “So where is the rest of it?”

(I then spy my son bursting through the door, beaming a proud smile, as he drags a heavy bag full to the brim with chocolate bars through the door.)

Daughter: “What rest of it?”