(My family is driving home from dinner on Father’s Day. My dad and I both have the same sense of humor; we enjoy making everything we can into a groaner joke or pun. My mom and brother get to hear them and have learned to bear with us and ignore most of them. My dad is pulling out of a parking lot, and is referring to a sign directing people to additional parking.)

Dad: “Don’t they realize that all parking is additional parking? I mean, I’ve never heard of subtractional parking.”

(I crack up, and my mom and brother roll their eyes and go back to what they were doing.)

Me: “Of course, divisional parking is where they put the remainder.”

Dad: “And, with this we must realize the absolute value of parking.”

Brother: “And, this is how we know you’re related.”

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(I’m trying to get my 3-year-old nephew to settle down by showing him pictures around the house. We come to his parent’s wedding picture.)

Me: *pointing to my sister* “Who’s that?”

Nephew: “Princess mommy!”

Me: “Good job! Now who’s that?”

(I point to my brother in law.)

Nephew: “I-freakin’-gotta-go-to-work-Daddy!”

(I like to play passive-aggressive pranks on my sis. Today’s prank is covering every inch of her room with empty toilet paper rolls. I wait to hear my sis’ reaction when she sees her room.)

Sister: *coming downstairs to talk to me* “How long did it take you to collect those?”

Me: “About three months.”

Sister: *walking away* “We poop too much.”

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(I am at a friend’s house. She has a young daughter and son, about 8 and 10 respectively. They are at the dinner table and trying to annoy each other.)

Friend’s Son: “You were adopted!”

Friend’s Daughter: “I was adopted because you were a disappointment!”

(I have just bought my five-year-old daughter her first Barbie doll.)

Me: “You know, I wasn’t sure about getting you a Barbie doll.”

Daughter: “Why?”

Me: “Well, some people say that girls end up thinking that Barbie is the shape that real women should be. But you wouldn’t think something silly like that, would you?”

Daughter: “No, Mummy, I’ve seen you!”

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