(My brother comes home after one of the first sex-ed classes.)
Brother: *teasingly* Hey today we talked about puberty in school. Do you know what ‘puuuuberty’ is?”
Me: “It’s when your voice gets lower and your balls drop.”
Brother: *suddenly serious* “Wait, what? Like they fall off?”
(It’s been very humid all day, and my brother and I suffer from asthma. We’re discussing the chances of having a thunderstorm, so our breathing will improve.)
Me: “I wish it’d rain and storm. I can’t breath anymore. It’s like breathing soup.”
Brother: “Really thick soup.”
Me: “Yes!”
Brother:” I know how I can help. I’m going to do a rain dance!”
(He steps outside of our tent, and is jumps up and down whilst waving his arms. Suddenly, out of nowhere, lightning strikes and the thunder is huge!)
Brother:” *whilst jumping inside the tent* “Whoops… I think I did the wrong dance.”
(My dad recently bought me a jumbo universal TV remote as a gift. I’ve become quite attached to it and enjoy using it whenever I can. My mom finds my attachment to it stupid.)
Mom: “Can you turn on the TV for me? The remote over here just died.”
Me: “Ooh okay!” *runs off to go get the remote*
Mom: *shouting* “The power button is right behind you!”
Me: *comes back and turns on the TV* “So? I like using this one.” *hugs jumbo remote*
Mom: “I hate that stupid thing.”
Me: *gasps* “Don’t insult my baby!”
Mom: “I’ll insult it whenever I want.” *tries to change the channel and realizes her remote is still dead*
Me: *beams*
Mom: “…May I borrow your stupid baby for a while?”
(Due to the job market, my wife and I move into her parent’s rent house, that sits next to their home. As such, they are frequent visitors. My wife hates to wear bras at home so she typically takes it off as soon as she arrives and puts it back on when she leaves.)
Wife: “Hey Mom, come on in.”
Mom: *upon entering and seeing the bra hanging from the doorknob* “Oh, door knockers!”
(I’m on the phone with my sister, who has two young children.)
Niece: *in the background* “Mom?”
Sister: “In a minute, honey. So how’s your new job?”
Me: “Oh, it’s great…”
Niece: *slightly louder* “Mom!”
Sister: “In a minute!”
Me: “Do you want me to call back later?”
Sister: “No, it’s just the kids messing around out front. So anyway…”
Niece: “Mom! Mom! [Nephew] just put the car in reverse!”
Sister: *click*
(My nephew escaped unharmed, but the car and a tree at the end of the driveway were not similarly spared.)
