(I am at the work Christmas party. Everyone is allowed to bring a ‘date’ and also their kids, if they like. One coworker brings his sister who was visiting, and his nephew who is around six years old. We are at a buffet restaurant that specializes in Chinese food. The place is packed. My coworker has a scoop of octopus salad on his plate, and is teasing his nephew with the tentacles.)

Coworker: “C’mon, try it!”

Nephew: “NO!”

Coworker: “I ate it! What are you, chicken?”

Nephew: “I don’t want to—”

Coworker: *chicken noises* “Buck buck buck!”

(The nephew shouts back so that the entire restaurant can hear.)

Nephew: “UNCLE! I AM NOT GOING TO EAT YOUR TESTICLES!”

This story was included in our Chinese Restaurant Roundup.

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(I’m about two years old. My father works in a butcher’s shop with a young black man. He greets me the same way every time I see him, with a fist-bump, and then he says:)

Father’s Coworker: “Yo, lil’ [n-word], sup?”

My Mom: “Could you please not teach her that word?”

Father’s Coworker: “It’s cool, Mrs. J. She’s too young to understand what I’m saying anyway.”

(We come into the shop another day, and I see my father’s coworker working behind the counter. I begin bouncing in my seat to go see him. My mother ignores me, until I furiously point my fist in his direction and begin indignantly shouting:)

Me: “[N-word]! [N-word]! [N-word]! [N-word]!”

(The entire shop glares at my very red-faced mother!)

(My 17-year-old cousin has brought her boyfriend to a family party. Most people still think she’s really innocent.)

Younger Cousin: “If you get pregnant at my school, they kick you out!”

Cousin: “Well you’re 14. Don’t worry about getting pregnant for another 10 years.”

My Mom: “How about you?”

Cousin: “Well… I’m a senior, and then college, so maybe five years?”

My Sister: “What about me?”

Cousin: “Absolutely not. Use a condom. They’re [price] for a 12-pack at [Store]. That’s including tax.”

My Mom: “And how would you know this?”

Cousin: “Uh…”

My Mom: “And a 12-pack?”

Cousin: “Bye!”

(I hide in my boyfriend’s chest.)

Boyfriend: “Well… at least we’ll always be prepared?”

(I am 18. My mother, our neighbor, and I are walking home from a show. I look NOTHING like my mother, and am basically a carbon copy of my dad. We run into a woman our neighbor knows and start to talk to her. Half way through the conversation, she gives my mother and me an odd look.)

Woman: “How do you two know [Neighbor]?”

Mom: “We live in the same building.”

Woman: “Oh… wait, are you two… related?!”

Me: “Yes, she’s my mom.”

(The woman gives us another confused look.)

Mom: “She’s adopted.”

Me: “NO I’M NOT!”

Mom: “[My Name], it’s just easier this way…”

(We’re sitting around the family room. My stepfather is fond of horrible, cheesy jokes.)

Stepdad: “What was wrong with the cross-eyed teacher?”

Us: *resigned* “What?”

Stepdad: “She couldn’t keep her students straight!”

(There is much sighing and shaking of heads. A few seconds later…)

Me: “Which was why she was fired from the Catholic school.”