A Mother’s Condomnation

(My 17-year-old cousin has brought her boyfriend to a family party. Most people still think she’s really innocent.)

Younger Cousin: “If you get pregnant at my school, they kick you out!”

Cousin: “Well you’re 14. Don’t worry about getting pregnant for another 10 years.”

My Mom: “How about you?”

Cousin: “Well… I’m a senior, and then college, so maybe five years?”

My Sister: “What about me?”

Cousin: “Absolutely not. Use a condom. They’re [price] for a 12-pack at [Store]. That’s including tax.”

My Mom: “And how would you know this?”

Cousin: “Uh…”

My Mom: “And a 12-pack?”

Cousin: “Bye!”

(I hide in my boyfriend’s chest.)

Boyfriend: “Well… at least we’ll always be prepared?”