Peddling To The Metal (Heads)

(I’m shopping at a music store. I pass by a scary-looking guy in all black, with his hair dyed in dark blue spikes, covered with chains, piercings and tattoos. He seems to be buying an album from a local death metal group, whose cover features sexually explicit and anti-religious artwork. The scary guy takes the CD up to the counter.)

Scary Guy: “I want to get this, and a soda.”

Salesperson: “Coming right up.”

(The salesperson gets a soda from the small refrigerator behind the counter, and starts to ring the scary guy’s purchase up.)

Salesperson: “So, uh…[death metal band], huh?”

Scary Guy: “It’s for my girlfriend. She digs that s***.”

Salesperson: “This is for a girl?!”

Scary Guy: “Yeah, so?”

Salesperson: “Girls don’t listen to music like this!”

Scary Guy: “Uh, yeah she does. Just bag the disc, man.”

Salesperson: “I can’t let you give this to a girl! She’s probably just pretending to like it because you do!”

Scary Guy: “Don’t give me any crap. Just ring up the d*** CD.”

Salesperson: “Girls don’t like this music!”

Scary Guy: “All right, you and me are gonna have a problem, right—”

(Suddenly, a girl comes around the corner. She looks a lot like the scary guy; she is also wearing all black clothes, lots of piercings and tattoos, spiky pink hair and a choker that says ‘F*** you’.)

Scary Girl: “What’s going on here, babe?”

Scary Guy: “Pencil-d*** here won’t ring up your birthday present, angel.”

(The scary girl suddenly turns on the salesperson.)

Scary Girl: “What f****** business is it of yours what my babe gets me, pencil-d***?”

Salesperson: “Uh…”

(The scary girl leans over the counter, right in the salesperson’s face.)

Scary Girl: “I think you had better give us what we want, pencil-d***.”

(The salesperson goes completely white, and finishes the transaction at lightning speed.)

Scary Guy: “Thanks for jack-s***, pencil-d***.”

(The scary guy gives the CD to his girlfriend.)

Scary Guy: “Here you go, angel.”

Scary Girl: “[Death metal band]? Awwww, babe! You’re the darkest!”

(They walk out of the store kissing. I approach the counter with my own purchase.)

Me: “Just this for me, pencil-d***.”