(My mom comes to visit me while I’m in college, about a month into my first year.)

Mom: “You should wear make-up. It might get you a boyfriend.”

Me: “He’s going to need to see me without make-up at some point. Might as well be the first time we meet.”

(She never brings up make-up around me again.)

(I answer a call from my dad, with whom I last spoke about 10 days prior.)

Me: “Hello?”

Dad: *clearly panicked* “Sweetheart, hi! What’s going on?!”

Me: “Oh, you know. Nothing much—”

Dad: “YOU HAVEN’T CALLED ME! I HAVEN’T HEARD FROM YOU!”

Me: “Uh…”

Dad: “I COULD HAVE BEEN DEAD, YOU KNOW!”

Me: “Dad, if you were dead, I’m pretty sure I would have found out about that by now.”

Dad: “MAYBE NOT!”

(My sister is having a conversation with her two-year-old son. The son holds up a chocolate egg that contains a little toy inside.)

Son: “Mommy, open it!”

Sister: “Excuse me; there is a nicer way to say that.”

(Her son then THROWS the egg at her.)

Nephew: “Open it UP!”

(I’m in my room, while my mom is in the bathroom. We have a few gnats that just won’t die. I hear thumping from the other room.)

Mom: “You son of a b****!”

(The thumping stops.)

Mom: “I’ll get you yet. You will die by my hand!”

(I am sitting at work when I get a phone call from an unknown number. I go on break and call back.)

Debt Collector: “Hello. I am [Name] with [Student Loan Company]. We are looking for [My Ex-Girlfriend]. Is this a good number for her?”

Me: “No.”

Debt Collector: “Do you know [My Ex-Girlfriend]?”

Me: “Yes. I caught her with another man and threw her out.”

Debt Collector: *laughing* “I don’t suppose you have a good contact number for her?”

Me: “No. But if you find one, be sure to call me back. I have some words for her as well.”

Debt Collector: “Sir, I will take your number out of our database. And thank you for the best call I have had all night!”