(My history teacher has always been known for his unorthodox teaching methods. Lately, we have been studying the corruption in the Catholic Church that led to the Reformation.)

Teacher: “Hey, guys! Before we get started I’d just like to tell you that the vice principal will be coming in later to share some information on a new fundraiser.”

(He then continues to run the class normally.)

Teacher: “Okay, class. Pop quiz!”

(He quickly hands out sheets of paper. I realize quickly that I have never even heard of the majority of the terms, which refer to dates and other specifics of the Reformation, and conclude that I must have been absent when the information was taught. However, another student quickly stands up.)

Student #1: “Excuse me, [Teacher], but I was absent when you taught this.”

Teacher: “No, you weren’t. In fact, the entire class was there! You must not have been paying attention.”

Student #1: “But—”

Teacher: “Sit down.”

(We finish the quiz and grade it, everyone failing horribly.)

Teacher: “Wow, you guys did horrible! Too bad it’s 50 percent of your grade.”

(Everyone freaks out, although I start to grow suspicious. The vice principal turns up as had been announced.)

Teacher: “Ah, [Vice Principal]! Thank you for joining us!”

Vice Principal: “Thank you, [Teacher]. Due to the recent levy being rejected, our school has been massively under-budgeted. Therefore, in order to allow our school to remain open we have introduced a new fundraiser to our school. Basically, for every dollar you donate, your grade point average will go up by one point in a class. Those who wish to donate may leave IOUs in place of cash.”

(The entire class rushes to their feet to donate, filling out IOUs as fast as possible. I remain in my seat, having a feeling I know where this is going. One student especially sticks out as he rushes forward desperately.)

Student #2: *pulls out $100 in cash and gives it to the vice principal* “Will this be enough?”

(My teacher bursts out laughing.)

Teacher: “Well, this was fun. Now we know why it would be so tempting to try to use bribes to get yourselves into heaven, which is, in part, what began the corruption that lead to the Reformation. Thanks, [Student #2], for illustrating that for us.”

Student #2: “Ooh! That makes a lot more sense!”

(It turns out the teacher had staged the whole thing. Even now, years later, he’s still my favorite teacher.)

(Today is the first day of the course. As in most colleges and universities, my school follows the policy where if the professor doesn’t show after 15 minutes, the students are allowed to leave without fear of being penalized. Despite my professor being a no-show for more than 15 minutes, only one student has left the classroom. Suddenly, a man gets up from his desk from the back of the room and makes his way to the professor’s desk.)

Man: “Hello, everyone! I’m the professor for this course. I was actually testing you all to see if anyone would leave before the 15 minute mark. Congrats, you all pass!”

(At this point, he begins to empty his bag on the desk and fiddle around with the computer. After a moment or two, while he starts to arrange a pile of papers, everyone begins to take out their supplies again. This continues for a good five minutes.)

Man: “Right! Sooo…”

(All of a sudden, he quickly gathers all of his things, jams them back into his bag, and says:)

Man: “Nope. JK, peeps! I’m not the professor. I have no idea where he is. SEE YA!”

(The man walked right out! We sat in stunned silence until a teacher’s aide came in minutes later and informed us that the professor had called in and cancelled class.)

(My girlfriend and I have just realized that I have an all-day event on the day of our one year anniversary.)

Girlfriend: “If we have to, we can celebrate a year and a day. That has a fine literary history, at least.”

Me: “I can’t think of any…”

Girlfriend: “Well, in fairy tales and such, people are often…” *long pause* “…cursed for a year and a day. That’s not how that sentence was supposed to end!”

(My boyfriend and I are walking to class. It is very cold out and the sidewalks are icy. He slips on a big patch of ice. By instinct, I try to catch him, but instead I grab his butt.)

Boyfriend: “Are you seriously telling me that if I fell, you would only save my butt?”

Me: “Dat a**, though.”

Boyfriend: “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

(My boyfriend is not very romantic. One night we decide to go out and eat Chinese food. I manage to convince him to try eating with chopsticks, and after showing him how to use them I’m struggling to pick up a large piece of sesame chicken.)

Boyfriend: “Here, let me get that.”

(He reaches over, and just when I get my hopes up, he stabs the piece of chicken with a chopstick and holds it out to me. As I go to take a bite, he shoves the entire piece into my mouth, causing me to choke slightly and smear it all over my face.)

Boyfriend: “Oops?”

Me: *sighs* “You were this close. This close.”