(My family is eating dinner. My grandfather is telling us stories about growing up during the 1940s in an extremely poor area of Germany. He’d just told us how hard it was to get even a substantial meal and now begun a story about a play he put on for school.)

Grandfather: “…and after we performed the play my father liked it so much he asked everyone to perform it again for the whole town to see!”

Father: “Did he take a video of it, too?”

(Everyone laughs uncontrollably.)

Father: “What?”

(My not-quite two-year-old has recently taken exception to being placed in her crib and starts screaming the moment I put her in it. This evening I am discussing it with my husband.)

Me: “I don’t know what to do. She works herself into such a state that it takes her three times as long to go to sleep!”

Husband: “At least she hasn’t tried to climb out yet. I used to.”

(At that moment, we hear a muffled thud, followed by more, redoubled shrieks. We race upstairs to find our daughter sitting on a blanket she had tossed out of the crib, completely hysterical. As we calm her down and check her for injuries I glare at my husband.)

Me: “You are never allowed to engage in hypotheticals ever again!”

(A system update has been pushed to my cell phone. After sorting out a minor issue with tech support, I ask if they have a list of changes between the previous and current system versions.)

Tech Support: “I would like to inform you that we can change few limited settings.”

Me: “I’m not asking about settings, I am asking for a run-down of what changed from previous versions to 4.3!”

Tech Support: “I am sorry to inform you that there is no option to change the default features of the updated firmware.”

Me: “Did you stop reading what I am typing?”

Tech Support: “I do understand your concern. But there is no option to change from previous version.”

Me: “I didn’t ask about changing anything! I want a LIST, of WHAT IS DIFFERENT, IN THE NEW VERSION!”

Tech Support: “Let me provide you with the list.”

Me: “These things are much clearer if you read ALL the words.”

(A coworker has just started her training at my call center.)

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name]. Did you know that [Cell Phone Company] owns Taco Bell?”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “They showed us today in training.”

Me: “That was a list of big companies that have accounts with [Company]. [Company] doesn’t own them. They just sell them phones.”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “Did you think they owned all of the companies on that list?”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “Disney?”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “Microsoft?”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “The US Army?!”

(When my competent coworker quits, my boss talks the firm into hiring a replacement who has absolutely no secretarial experience, who was an usherette at the symphony. She is very attractive and my boss is getting divorced. We came back from the four-day Thanksgiving break and my bosses, Boss #1 and Boss #2, have both been in the office all weekend, working. On my desk I have easily four days’ of work from Boss #2 and a brief with an urgent deadline from Boss #1, as well as several pages of dictated notes. All are labeled ‘urgent.’ My new coworker, meanwhile, has one note on her desk from her boss that says ‘I need two file folders labeled.’ He has the names written out that he wants on the labels, and he has left her a two-page document he wants her to fax.)

Me: “Sheesh! Look at all this work!”

Coworker: “I know. Mine is EVEN WORSE!”

(My coworker then calls the office manager who quickly sends two other secretaries to take those ‘oh-so-difficult’ tasks off her pretty little hands. The kicker? I used to beg for help when I got backed up and NEVER got any.)