(I am in a same-sex relationship and have just applied for a teaching job at a private Catholic high school in my area. While I am a confirmed Catholic, I’m researching whether or not I can be open about my sexuality should I work at the school. I find the student handbook and stumble across the dress code.)

Me: “Huh. I guess that male students have to be clean-shaven. They’re allowed sideburns, but only above the ear.”

(My girlfriend is out of the room as I announce this, so I just assume she hasn’t heard me until she walks back in.)

Girlfriend: “So I heard a little bit of what you were saying. That must mean you’d have to be out if you taught there.”

Me: “Wait, what do you mean I’d have to be out? What are you talking about?”

Girlfriend: “Well, you can’t have a beard!”

(I proceeded to put my face in my hands as my girlfriend gleefully cavorted around the apartment, extremely proud of her joke.)

(I turn to my husband while half asleep.)

Me: “Will you hold my wiggly worm?”

(I reached out my hand to him as if I were dangling a worm. He held out his hand palm-up and accepted the imaginary worm, and I went back to sleep. He sat there for a few seconds holding his hand that way until he remembered there wasn’t really a worm!)

(I’m at home one night while my boyfriend has gone out drinking with some friends, which he very rarely does. Two hours after he leaves, he texts me.)

Boyfriend: “I’m too unsingle to be here.”

Me: “I’m very sorry about that, but in order to fix it there would have had to be one-night-only contracts drawn up and release forms signed beforehand.”

Boyfriend: “Hm. Sounds like a lot of work. Next time I’m staying home with you.”

(My boyfriend and I are cleaning the house, and he is having trouble with the vacuum.)

Boyfriend: “D*** it! Stop eating the carpet, you stupid vacuum!”

Me: “You know, there are different settings that you can use so it doesn’t eat the carpet.”

Boyfriend: “Only real men use the carpet eater! … Wait.”

Both: *laughs really hard*

(He’s such a dork, and totally a keeper.)

(My brother is four. He’s got a big cut on his hand so we’re taking him to my aunt, who is a nurse, to put a plaster on it.)

Brother: “Let’s go to Aunt’s house to get plastered!”