(I have just started college. I’m a rather frugal person, and generally would rather people don’t spend money on me, but since this is my first birthday away from home my mom decides to order me something online, which she informs me over the phone.)

Me: “Thanks for getting me something, and thanks also for not spending the money for faster shipping.”

Mom: “I’m glad you said that. It was a really hard decision for me, since I wanted you to have it soon.”

Me: “Did imagining me standing next to you telling you not to spend the extra money help?”

Mom: “How did you know I did that?!”

Me: “I’m psychic.”

(My six-year-old daughter keeps sticking her tongue out at dinner.)

Husband: “[Daughter], are you making faces at the dinner table?”

Daughter: “No, I’m making faces at you!”

(My mother has sent Brother to the store to buy a lemon.)

Brother: “Mom, I got your lemon!”

(He walks in and sets it on the counter. Remember, he is 19 and a junior in college.)

Me: “[Brother], that’s not a lemon. That’s an orange.”

Brother: “It was in the lemon box!”

(I don’t know what’s worse, that he picked out an orange orange surrounded by yellow lemons, or that he managed to get all the way home without realizing it.)

(I stop in to an auto store to pick up some motor oil, and notice that the high mileage brand I usually buy is on sale: “five quarts plus oil filter, $24.99.” That is a very good price even for the oil alone, so I grab five of them. I get to the register and put the five bottles of oil on the counter.)

Me: “Can I just buy these five quarts of oil and get the special price?”

Cashier: “No, you need to get a filter with it.”

Me: “Well, how much are these without the filter?”

Cashier: *scanning the oil* “$37.”

Me: “Can’t we just pretend I bought a filter? I really don’t need the filter.”

Cashier: “No, I have to ring up the filter.”

Me: “Well, okay, just put a filter on the check, and I’ll leave with just the oil, and then you can sell the filter to someone else. I don’t want the filter.”

Cashier: “Okay. What make of car?”

Me: “Please, I don’t want to go through the whole interview. Just pick a random filter off the shelf. I DON’T NEED THE FILTER.”

(The cashier went to the oil aisle, returned with an oil filter, rang up the filter and the same five bottles of oil again, which now cost twelve dollars less. I tried to leave the “random oil filter” behind on the counter when I departed, really not wanting it to go to waste, but the cashier insisted I had to take it with me!)

(In our workplace we do various jobs, one of which involves putting metal letters together for stamping initials onto leather. This colleague isn’t known for his intelligence…)

Colleague: “I hate doing that job.”

Other Colleague: “Really? Why?”

Colleague: “I just can’t deal with all the shapes man.”

Other Colleague: “What shapes?”

Colleague: “All the ‘A’s and the ‘B’s and ‘M’s and that. It’s just too much for me.”