(I’m taking a history class that isn’t exactly filled with the brightest bulbs in the school. We’re learning about the 1950s and the Cold War when a student raises her hand.)

Student: “If you saw the atom bomb coming down, and you ran away, would you survive?”

(The teacher and class all stare at her for a moment, processing this question before the teacher finally responds.)

Teacher: “…no. So anyway—”

Student: “Well, what if you got on a bike?”

Teacher: “…still no.”

Student: “A car?”

Teacher: *exasperated* “No!”

Student: “Well, what if—”

(At this point our teacher has had enough, and walks straight in front of the girl’s desk.)

Teacher: “If you are close enough to see the atom bomb falling, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.”

(I’m working in the student center at my school. It’s the first day of class and I’m in charge of handing out student ID cards. Returning students don’t need a new card, just the current sticker. There’s a long line of new students when a returning student barges his way to the front.)

Returning Student: “Gimme a sticker!”

Me: “I believe these students were here first.”

Returning Student: “I ain’t waiting in no line! I’m late for class; all I need is this year’s sticker.”

Me: “Well I’m not gonna fight this, so okay. Do you have your receipt?”

Returning Student: “My what?”

Me: “Your receipt, for proof of purchase.”

Returning Student: “I never got a receipt. I did this online weeks ago!”

Me: “Well, pull up your student account and show me your online receipt.”

(The returning student sits down at the available computer, muttering that he could’ve been in class by now if I just gave it to him. He flags me down and points to the screen. I notice that he did indeed check the box to purchase the ID card, but I also notice he hasn’t paid any of his fees yet.)

Me: “I’m afraid I still can’t give it to you yet”

Returning Student: “WHAT?! You’ve got to be kidding me! You asked for proof of purchase, and there it is. Now get me the f****** sticker!”

Me: “No need for cursing, but let me explain. You did technically buy the card, but you haven’t ‘bought’ for it.”

Returning Student: “What do you mean?”

Me: “This receipt says your total for the year is [amount]. It also says you’ve paid zero.”

Returning Student: “So?”

Me: “So pretend you’re on Amazon. Would you expect a package delivered if you only added the item to cart?”

Returning Student: “No that’d be stupid; you never paid for—”

(The returning student stops mid-sentence, realizing what he has said. He sheepishly walks away to class, only to come back after class apologizing profusely. He finally pays his fees and I give him his card. At the end of the day he returns with a Starbucks gift card for me.)

(My class had happened to get the same English teacher for four years in a row, so everyone knows each other rather well. One student in particular rarely ever pays attention and is prone to asking questions that have already been answered, or otherwise strange questions. We’re studying Hamlet.)

Teacher: “[Student], could you read Act III, Scene I, starting at line 1749. I’ll tell you when to stop reading.”

(This is Hamlet’s famous soliloquy.)

Student: “To be, or not to be, that is this the question.” *stops reading and looks puzzled* “I’ve heard this somewhere before; where’s it from, sir?

Teacher: “…uhh… this.”

(The class erupts into laughter.)

Student: *genuinely shocked* “Really? I thought it was from somewhere else; Shakespeare is so full of clichés!”

Teacher: “Funny about that…”

(The teacher then rattles off a list of clichés, all of which have their first known usage in Shakespearean works. This student does not ask many questions for the rest of the year.)

This story is part of the Talk Like William Shakespeare Day roundup!

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(I am in the 4th grade. My science teacher likes to split us up into teams on occasion and have us play a trivia-style game. We like it because the winning team gets candy at the end.)

Teacher: “All right [my team], here’s your question: Which sort of star burns hotter, a red star, or a blue star?”

Teammate #1: “That’s easy! It must be the red star!”

(The rest of my team agrees, but I speak up.)

Me: “No, no! Wait! It’s the blue star!”

Teammate #1: “Don’t be stupid! Blue means cold!”

Me: “Well, there’s no such thing as a COLD star. And besides, I read my dad’s Scientific American magazines a lot, and—”

Teammate #2: “Show off!”

Me: “I’m not showing off! I’m just saying; I’ve read this stuff before and—”

Teammate #3: “Oh shut up! Girls don’t know anything about science!”

Me: “Come on, think about it. On a candle flame, at the very bottom where it’s hottest, it burns blue!”

Teammate #1: “You’re stupid! Fire is red!” *to teacher* “It’s the red star!”

Teacher: “I’m sorry; that’s incorrect. It’s the blue one.”

Me: “I told you!”

Teammates: “Well, why didn’t you stop us!?”

(The chemistry teacher does a trick where you fill bubbles with methane, pick them up in your hands, and put them over a Bunsen Burner. It flares up, but if you pull your hands away quickly and shake the fire off, it won’t burn you. He lets us try it.)

Student: “Oooh, I wanna do it!”

Teacher: “Okay. Remember, once the bubbles flare up, pull your hands back and shake any fire off RIGHT AWAY.”

(The student puts her hand down without shaking it. Her hand has caught fire and she doesn’t realize it.)

Classmate: “[Student], you’re on fire!”

(Despite the water the student has put on her hand to shield it, the fire is growing slowly.)

Me: “[Student], you’re ON FIRE! PUT IT OUT!”

Student: “Oh, ha, you’re so funny. NOT.”

Classmate #2: “You idiot, your hand is ON FIRE! PUT IT OUT BEFORE IT BURNS YOU!”

(The student finally looks at her hand, now basically engulfed in flames.)

Student: “OH GOD! AH! AHHHHHH!”

(The student runs around the room smacking her hand against her lab apron, leaving a trail of fire behind her, as we all stare mutely. After 20 seconds, she finally puts it out. The teacher checks her hand and finds that the water actually did protect her from being burned beyond a few blisters.)

Teacher: “Well, guess who’s never doing this again.”

Student: “Well, why didn’t they tell me my hand was on fire?”

Classmate #3: “Fine, I’ll tell you now.” *starts to sing* “This girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiire, this girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiiire!“