(My class had happened to get the same English teacher for four years in a row, so everyone knows each other rather well. One student in particular rarely ever pays attention and is prone to asking questions that have already been answered, or otherwise strange questions. We’re studying Hamlet.)

Teacher: “[Student], could you read Act III, Scene I, starting at line 1749. I’ll tell you when to stop reading.”

(This is Hamlet’s famous soliloquy.)

Student: “To be, or not to be, that is this the question.” *stops reading and looks puzzled* “I’ve heard this somewhere before; where’s it from, sir?

Teacher: “…uhh… this.”

(The class erupts into laughter.)

Student: *genuinely shocked* “Really? I thought it was from somewhere else; Shakespeare is so full of clichés!”

Teacher: “Funny about that…”

(The teacher then rattles off a list of clichés, all of which have their first known usage in Shakespearean works. This student does not ask many questions for the rest of the year.)

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(I am in the 4th grade. My science teacher likes to split us up into teams on occasion and have us play a trivia-style game. We like it because the winning team gets candy at the end.)

Teacher: “All right [my team], here’s your question: Which sort of star burns hotter, a red star, or a blue star?”

Teammate #1: “That’s easy! It must be the red star!”

(The rest of my team agrees, but I speak up.)

Me: “No, no! Wait! It’s the blue star!”

Teammate #1: “Don’t be stupid! Blue means cold!”

Me: “Well, there’s no such thing as a COLD star. And besides, I read my dad’s Scientific American magazines a lot, and—”

Teammate #2: “Show off!”

Me: “I’m not showing off! I’m just saying; I’ve read this stuff before and—”

Teammate #3: “Oh shut up! Girls don’t know anything about science!”

Me: “Come on, think about it. On a candle flame, at the very bottom where it’s hottest, it burns blue!”

Teammate #1: “You’re stupid! Fire is red!” *to teacher* “It’s the red star!”

Teacher: “I’m sorry; that’s incorrect. It’s the blue one.”

Me: “I told you!”

Teammates: “Well, why didn’t you stop us!?”

(The chemistry teacher does a trick where you fill bubbles with methane, pick them up in your hands, and put them over a Bunsen Burner. It flares up, but if you pull your hands away quickly and shake the fire off, it won’t burn you. He lets us try it.)

Student: “Oooh, I wanna do it!”

Teacher: “Okay. Remember, once the bubbles flare up, pull your hands back and shake any fire off RIGHT AWAY.”

(The student puts her hand down without shaking it. Her hand has caught fire and she doesn’t realize it.)

Classmate: “[Student], you’re on fire!”

(Despite the water the student has put on her hand to shield it, the fire is growing slowly.)

Me: “[Student], you’re ON FIRE! PUT IT OUT!”

Student: “Oh, ha, you’re so funny. NOT.”

Classmate #2: “You idiot, your hand is ON FIRE! PUT IT OUT BEFORE IT BURNS YOU!”

(The student finally looks at her hand, now basically engulfed in flames.)

Student: “OH GOD! AH! AHHHHHH!”

(The student runs around the room smacking her hand against her lab apron, leaving a trail of fire behind her, as we all stare mutely. After 20 seconds, she finally puts it out. The teacher checks her hand and finds that the water actually did protect her from being burned beyond a few blisters.)

Teacher: “Well, guess who’s never doing this again.”

Student: “Well, why didn’t they tell me my hand was on fire?”

Classmate #3: “Fine, I’ll tell you now.” *starts to sing* “This girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiire, this girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiiire!“

(I work as a junior teacher at a center for young children. Our supervisor has a paunch.)

Young Child: “Hey, Mr. [Supervisor]. Can I ask you something?”

Supervisor: “Sure.”

Young Child: “Are you pregnant?”

Supervisor: “Uh…”

Young Child: “See!? I knew it! I knew he was pregnant!”

Supervisor: “Why would you think that?

Young Child: *proudly* “Because when my mama was pregnant, her tummy was big. But yours is even bigger! So you must be SUPER-pregnant!”

(Guess who lost 20 pounds shortly after that?)

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(I am starting community college to knock out prerequisite classes for my Master’s degree. It is the first day of Biology class, and the professor is asking some questions as an intro and to assess our prior knowledge.)

Professor: “So, does anyone know about genetics? Could two parents who both have brown eyes have a child with blue eyes?”

Girl Next To Me: “What? Mm-mm, that means she’s CHEATING if that kids got blue eyes!”

Professor: *points at me* “What do you think?”

Me: “Yes, it’s possible.”

Professor: “That’s right! It’s possible because of recessive traits and how they are passed down genetically. We’ll be talking about that more later on in this class.”

Girl Next To Me: “No way man! That lady cheating!”

(It might be a loooong semester if she keeps sitting next to me.)