Dumb & Dumbar

| Learning | May 28, 2013

(I’m a substitute teacher for a first grade class. We are going over words with the “AR” sound.)

Me: “Okay, guys! What’s another word we can use with the ‘AR’ sound?”


Me: “Come on! I know you guys have something! I tell you what, I’ll give you a hint. You all already know your letters and numbers and you’re really good at writing, so this class must be very…”

Student: “DUMBER!”

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When Futures Draw To A Close

, | Learning | May 28, 2013

(I am tutoring a student in basic drawing. This particular student has a very high opinion of himself and has been constantly interjecting that this school is wasting his time and not teaching things the way he needs to be learning them.)

Student: “Okay, look, I’m not complaining, okay? I’m just saying, this drawing stuff is a waste of my time and energy. I have a full-time job and a social life and I don’t have time to draw every day. I just want to learn [3D modeling software]!”

Me: “Well, drawing it is how you first learn to interpret the world as we truly see it and not how your brain reduces it down into symbols.”

Student: “But, look, if you wanted me to model this, I could. But I’ll NEVER have to DRAW anything in the field I want to get into.”

Me: “I guarantee you will. Besides, it will be your job to learn to take a 2D drawing or concept and make it 3D and understanding the drawing is the first step.”

Student: “Look, I know you care a lot about this, but it’s b*******. You obviously haven’t been in [this field of art] or you’d know that.”

(One of our instructors is walking by with a couple of people. He walks into the room.)

Instructor: “Excuse me, what is your name?”

Student: “Uh.. it’s [name]. How can I help you?”

Instructor: “Oh, well, we were walking by and heard your conversation. [CEO of major company in the students’ field] and [Art Director for same company] want to know who you were so they could be sure never to hire you.”

(He then turned to me and calmly introduced me to the two gentlemen with them and asked me to give them my business card. I’m expecting to start work with their company as soon as I graduate!)

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Seeing The Bro-ader Picture

| Learning | May 27, 2013

(I’ve been assigned to work with a group of three stereotypical “bros” for a project. These bros have been screwing around and slacking off the entire semester, but one has been particularly bad. Note: I’m female.)

Me: “You guys need to stop chatting and focus on what we’re doing here.”

Classmate: “Aw, dudes, you know what pisses me off? I’m so sick of seeing all these f*** and gay **** on TV. When I see a f** I just want to kick their ***.”

Me: “Okay, you know what? That’s it. You’re fired.”

Classmate: “Ha ha, what?”

Me: “You’re fired from my group, I’m not working with you anymore. I’m sick of listening to you. And for your information, I like women, so if you want to beat up a gay person I dare you to try it.”

Classmate: “Ha, I knew you were a f**** d***! You can’t kick me out of the group, I ain’t going anywhere!”

Me: “Fine, I’m going back to my table and starting my own group. You’re not welcome, but I’d like to remind your buddies that I have all the notes.”

His Friends: *to classmate* “Um, later dude. Good luck.”

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La Tutora Sabe Más Que Tú

| Learning | May 27, 2013

(I tutor students for the SAT (Verbal), History, English, and Spanish.)

Parent: “Excuse me; are you my child’s tutor?”

My Boss: “No, your child will be working with [my name]. She currently has a student, so please wait downstairs with [child].”

Parent: “Hmph. I’m paying so I think my child deserves a fair share.”

(I finish with my student and I go downstairs to greet the parent and my student. All goes well until…)

Parent: “Wait, you’re the one who tutors Spanish? You’re a cracker; you can’t speak Spanish!”

Me: “With all due respect, I can, in fact, speak Spanish. I happen to be better at reading and writing, but I’m not terrible.”

Parent: “Ugh! You couldn’t speak Spanish if you wanted to learn from Dora!”

Me: “Mira, tu hijo/a ya está esperando. Ahora, [child’s name] va a perder más tiempo con mi. No tenemos tiempo para tonterías. He pasado un año en España, enseñando ingles a niños en un colegio. Mi vida diaria era más española. ¿Y ahora, me dices que no puedo aprender español? ¡Vaya tela!”

(Translation: Look, your child is waiting. Now, your child will lose more time with me. We don’t have time for foolishness. I lived for a year in Spain teaching English as a second language to children in school. My daily life was Spanish. And now, you’re telling me I can’t learn Spanish? I can’t take it anymore!)

Parent: “I… um… well, that’s not fair! She’s a cracker and knows another language!”

My Boss: *to the parent* “Just leave. You’ve done enough damage for the day. Thank you and goodbye.”

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Happy Wife, Happy Life Lessons

| Learning | May 27, 2013

(The students have just finished listening to a story about two children fighting, and are writing a response to what they would do if they got into a fight with a friend. In the story, the fight took place between a girl and a boy. The student in this interaction is a boy.)

Me: “So, [student], what would you do?”

Student: “She’s the girl, so I would just agree with whatever she said.”

(I had to walk away because I was laughing so hard. This young man will make an excellent husband someday!)

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