(I am in a general-education biology class, where we are learning about fossilization. The professor is a short, overweight man with a British accent known for saying bizarre things. My college is on the side of a steep hill.)
Professor: “And so, if I was sitting in my office one day, and a mudslide occurred, the mud would break through my window and smash me against the opposite wall.”
(Without warning, he runs across the room at full speed, slamming into the wall and falling over on his back. He lies there for a while without saying anything. Just as we are all starting to seriously wonder if he is actually hurt, he begins speaking again, still on his back.)
Professor: “And so, I’d be quite dead, and the mud would completely cover me. Once the mud dried and my body started to decompose – which might take a while, given my large mass – then perhaps minerals would start to seep into the space and leave behind a fossil, which future archaeologists would discover and put on display in the Smithsonian, with a title: ‘Fat British Scientist.'”
(I am a member of my school’s debating team, which means I occasionally have to stay late in order to attend a debate. Our school usually provides pizza to keep us happy about this. Before a debate, I’m wondering around with a slice of pizza in my hand when a girl walks up to me.)
Girl: “Where’d you get the pizza?”
Me: “It’s for the debating team, but there’s probably some left over.”
Girl: “Oh, debating is gay s***.”
Me: “Well, no. Debating doesn’t have a sexual orientation…”
(It’s an ordinary day in class. My instructor is lecturing, and most of the students are taking notes, except for one student who keeps playing with his phone.)
Phone: “Say a command.”
(Everyone within earshot notices this, but our instructor doesn’t let it get to him. He continues with the lesson.)
Phone: “Say a command.”
(Now a few students are starting to get annoyed, and are giving this problem student the stink-eye. He’s still in his own world, unaware of what’s around him, still playing with his phone.)
Phone: “Say a command.”
(Another student begins to stand up, presumably to go and confront our troublesome classmate. But our instructor signals for him to sit back down, which he does. Then our instructor quietly walks up to the ignorant student and…)
Instructor: “F*** OFF! HOW’S THAT FOR A COMMAND?”
(The student with the phone jumps out of his chair and drops the phone. Its battery and cover fall off, and the instructor quickly snatches up the battery and holds onto it for the rest of class!)
(While on a class field trip, our teacher takes us to a water fountain that looks like a chimney coming out of the ground.)
Student #1: “Why isn’t it on?”
Teacher: “It isn’t.”
Student #2: “Then it’s a trash can?”
Teacher: “No…”
Student #3: “Then what is it?”
Teacher: “A water fountain.”
Student # 4: “No.”
Student # 5: “Where’s the water…” *panicking* WHERE’S THE FOUNTAIN!”
(It’s my second day at my drama co-curricular activity at junior college. To help us bond together, we start playing charades, where a group has to improv a skit based on a random movie they pick and we have to guess. Our group let the others go first, and after a minute of discussing, they go on stage to perform their skit. The only guy in the group separates from the rest, who are standing in an arc.)
Guy: *miming countdown* “Three… Two…”
Girl From My Group: *nonchalantly* “Hunger Games.”
(The other group almost rage off the stage,annoyed that she guessed it correctly so quickly.)
Girl From Other Group: “Can’t you just let us die first?!”
