Bring Out Your Viking Story

| Learning | May 15, 2013

(I’m taking a Viking history class at the university I’m attending. The professor loves practical jokes, both playing them and being played upon.)

Professor: “The style of story-telling found in tales created by continental Europeans differs from the stories found in Viking cultures.”

Student: “What do you mean?”

Professor: “Stories from continental Europe would have gone like this, : ‘The car, thus speeding along the road, hit a tree…'”

(The professor then gets very animated and excited.)

Professor: “Viking stories would say, ‘THE CAR RACED ALONG THE ROAD AND CAREENED HEADLONG INTO THE TREE, EXPLODING ON IMPACT!'”

Student: “I’m not dead!”

(The entire class burst into laughter, including the professor who didn’t see it coming, but admitted that he should have.)

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May The Source Of This Quote Be With You

| Learning | May 15, 2013

(Another teacher and I are discussing recent girl drama with a student of ours, who is having trouble understanding why the other girls were being mean to her.)

Me: “They’re just jealous of you. Jealousy leads to fear. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate lea—”

(The student stands there, looking at me, completely confused.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I just realized I was giving you advice for dealing with girl drama from Yoda.”

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There’s No Way To Sugar Coat This

| Learning | May 15, 2013

(My biology class is currently studying human reproduction. A male classmate raises his hand to ask a question.)

Biology Teacher: “Yes, [classmate]?”

Classmate: “Uh, yeah. I was wondering… if semen has glucose in it, does it taste sweet?”

(The entire class erupts in laughter.)

Biology Teacher: “Well, you’ll never know unless you find out for yourself.”

(The class erupts in laughter again as her eyes go wide and she clasps both hands over her mouth.)

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Calling Her A Math Teacher Would Be Charitable

| Learning | May 14, 2013

(Most teachers at my school are multi-subject teachers, but this teacher isn’t.)

Teacher: “…and only 45% of your parents in this class donated! That’s 65% that didn’t donate!”

(The entire class sits in silence for a moment.)

Me: *whispers to friend* “This is why she isn’t a math teacher.”

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Take Me Or Leave Me Confused

, | Learning | May 14, 2013

(My acting class is getting ready to put on a show for a bunch of kindergarteners. We’re all in costume and most of the class is out on stage, playing Simon Says with the kids before the show starts. However, three friends and I are in the boy’s dressing room. Our stage manager is from a completely different class, a little high-strung, and barely knows any of us. Boy #1 is messing around on the piano. )

Boy #1: “Do… Do re mi… F*** it.” *starts playing a very recognizable melody*

(Boy #1 gives up and starts playing a very recognizable melody on the piano instead.)

Boy #1: “Every single day, I walk down the street…”

Girl: *chimes in* “I hear people say, ‘Baby’s so sweet!'”

Me: “Ever since puberty, everybody stares at me!”

Boy #2: “Boys, girls, I can’t help it, baby!”

(Boy #1 abandons the piano and continues acapella. Meanwhile, the girl steps back and leads us into the backstage area.)

Boy #1: “So be kind and don’t lose your mind!”

Girl: “Just remember that I’m your baby!”

(This continues through the second chorus, often blending into harmony, with everyone jumping on tables and chairs, making grand gestures and dancing around until, at just the right part, our stage manager comes back stage and immediately looks confused.)

Me: “No way, can I be what I’m not!”

Boy #2: “But, hey, don’t you want your girl hot?!”

Stage Manager: “Hey, guys, the show’s about— What are you all doing?”

(Boy #1 completely ignores my stage manager and jumps down from his table, right behind where she’s standing.)

Boy #1: “Don’t fight, don’t lose your head!”

(He then drops down to his knees, grabs onto her leg, and looks up at her with puppy dog eyes.)

Boy #1: “‘Cause every night, who’s in your bed?!”

Stage Manager: “Wait, what’s he—”

Boy #1: “Who? Who’s in your bed? Kiss, pookie!”

(Boy #1 fluttered his eyes and made kissy faces at her before finally letting go. We all had to take three minutes to calm down enough from laughing from just the look on our temporary stage manager’s face to actually go out for our performance. When we told our regular teacher this later, she just started laughing and promised she’d show the other class Rent.)

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