(One of my friends had an accident and injured her hand. I am visiting her in hospital.)

Me: “Hey, [Friend]! How are you?”

Friend: “Fine. It’s good to finally see someone else than hospital staff. It’s boring as hell here.”

Me: “Mind to tell me exactly how you managed to nearly rip your finger off on a fence that doesn’t even have sharp corners?”

Friend: “You remember how you told me that you never go running outside, because you would fall and—” *quoting me* “—’probably break every single bone in your body or rip your arm off,’ and I said: Nah, that’s because you are so clumsy; that would never happen to anyone else?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Friend: “…That is exactly what happened to me.”

(She tripped over nothing on an even surface, which is a thing that happens to me on a regular basis and she often makes fun of, and tried to steady herself by gripping a fence, ripping her finger open to the bone in the process. She can move it just fine again, but she has not regained feeling in the finger and now uses it as a party trick. Also, she doesn’t mock me anymore for randomly falling.)

(This is a text conversation between me and my best friend.)

Me: “This day is starting out pretty terribly.”

Friend: “That doesn’t sound good considering you just came from a haircut. What’s wrong?”

Me: “The haircut is okay, I guess, but she had to cut it shorter on top than I wanted because otherwise it wouldn’t be shaped like the picture I showed her, so I look a lot more mannish than I had hoped. I went home to put makeup on, stabbed myself in the eye with the mascara and all the bristles fell out of my foundation brush. Then I came to school to get food at [Chinese Food Place] and they shorted me half my potstickers and forgot to give me the sauce and this Dr Pepper is actually root beer and I’ve already got my laptop set up so I don’t want to get up and go back and everything is terrible.”

Friend: “Aw, man, I’m sorry! We have doughnuts at my office if you want to stop by!”

Me: “Thanks, but I just needed someone to vent to. Now that I’ve written it out, it feels like not an objectively bad day. I think I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something and I’m in a crappy mood. Thanks for letting me complain to you!”

Friend: “Any time!”

(About ten minutes later, I need to text her again.)

Me: “…There’s a dead bug in my broccoli beef.”

Friend: “Yikes! I think you can count it as an objectively bad day now.”

(My friend is smoking some new weed and is complaining about the taste.)

Friend: “This stuff tastes like a**.”

Friend: “It tastes like foot-a**.”

Friend: “It tastes like donkey manure.”

Me: “That’s… oddly specific. Do you have experience with that?”

Friend: “I was young and we lived on a farm.”

(I have had a long day and am getting settled on the couch to study when the phone rings. I look at my friend’s number and know straight away:)

Me: “What did you break now?”

Friend: “What!?”

Me: “Normally you call me this late and you broke your car or computer or whatever and you want me to come fix it.”

Friend: “Oh, I didn’t break anything. Well, not this time… I promise; I just need your help.”

Me: “Figures, just when I’m settled down to study.”

Friend: *getting a bit panicked* “Well, you’re probably just being lazy sitting on your couch. I need help! I am never going to finish by tomorrow!”

Me: “Thank. I really should study though.”

Friend: *in child’s voice* “You really wanna help me!” *normal voice* “Should I come over or you find me? You should drive here.”

Me: “Leaving the house means I need pants. That’s work.”

Friend: “What?! Even if I came there you would need pants!”

Me: “Real out-of-the house pants, and not comfy pajamas I’m studying on the couch pants.”

Friend: “Boys and not wearing pants; you should stop being lazy and drive over here!”

Me: “Fine, you’re lucky you’re cute! Now give me a moment. I gotta go find some pants…”

(A bunch of my friends are over at my house. It should be noted that we are all nerds and geeks and proud of it. One of the running gags in the group is that cannibalism will be offered as a solution to the most random of problems, and the other friends will generally respond with yelling ‘Soylent Green!’)

Friend #1: “If this were Soylent Green, [Friend #2] will be eaten first.”

Me: “[Friend #2] would not taste nice.”

Friend #2: “I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT! I’m delicious. Right, [Friend #3]?”

Friend #3: “…No, [Friend #2]. You would not make a good pie.”