(I am in line at a convention. Having anticipated a long wait, I brought supplies to finish a plushie I am nearly done with. At one point a woman approaches me:)

Woman: “Oh, how cute! Did you make that yourself?”

Me: *looks down at the leg I am sewing onto the plushie* “…why, yes.”

(I am messaging my friend on Skype. We recently fell in love with the band Fall Out Boy and it’s quickly got out of hand.)

Friend: “I’m so sorry. I never should have showed you that music video.”

Me: “It’s too late to be sorry. I’m pretty sure I already sold my soul to them.”

Friend: “Same. We can never set foot on holy ground again.”

Me: “If you go to church and catch fire can I sing ‘Light ‘Em Up’?”

Friend: “You’d be burning too, but sure.”

Me: “If you think being on fire is going to stop me from making a joke, then you’re wrong.”

(We’re in high school and new drivers, so just being in a car together aimlessly driving is still fun. The friend driving isn’t the most experienced, so he brakes pretty hard most of the time. The friend in the passenger seat is drinking a soft drink that has a very large mouth, which can be dangerous with the driver’s erratic driving.)

Driver: *brakes hard* “WHOAH, sorry guys!”

Passenger: “Dude, you’re gonna make me spill my drink!”

Driver: “Well, quick, take a drink while we’re stopped then!”

Passenger: *starts to gulp his drink*

Driver: *punches on the gas, causing all of us to lurch backward in our seats and the passenger’s drink to slosh*

Passenger: “What the h***, man! You’re so lucky I had my lips wrapped all the way around that thing! It could have been real messy!”

Everyone: *simultaneously* “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”

(At a craft store, there is a box of bracelets with elephant beads by the register. Two customers come up to pay and one picks the bracelet up.)

Customer #1: “Look, hon, pachyderms!”

Customer #2: *gasp* “That’s my favorite kind of ‘derm!”

Customer #1: *gives her a blank look*

Customer #2: “As opposed to epiDERMises and hyperDERMic needles.”

(My friend is playing an online hidden object game. She’s new to these types of games while I’ve played a lot of them.)

Friend: “It’s asking for me to find a mouse, and it’s nowhere to be found.”

Me: “Hints?”

Friend: “Used them up.”

Me: “Okay, send me a picture.”

(15 seconds after receiving picture…)

Me: “It’s on the left corner of the bench.”

Friend: “Oh they mean the animal! I was looking for a computer mouse.”