(I’m known to be bit of a pushover at times. I’m especially weak against magazine salesmen who call me. I feel so sorry for them that I end up ordering magazines I’m not really interested in. My roommate makes fun of me for this.)

Salesman: “So, what do you say? Would you like to order [Magazine about travelling]?”

Me: *trying desperately to come up with some kind of refusal* “Oh… well… I can’t. My roommate would make fun of me.”

Salesman: “Your roommate? You know what; let’s make it a gift order for your roommate. Let’s see, that would be [price]. What do you so say?”

Me: *sighs* “Okay…”

(I later I try to explain this to my roommate.)

Me: “So, I ended up ordering this magazine for you…”

Roommate: “What kind of magazine?”

Me: “A travel magazine…”

Roommate: “Neither of us travels.”

Me: “Well, we could travel…”

(Later still, both of us have gone home for a few weeks. I come back earlier and check the mail. Following exchange is through text messages.)

Me: “You have a few letters waiting for you here. Oh, and [Magazine].”

Roommate: “Sounds like everything is as it should be. Except for [Magazine].”

(I am babysitting for two girls, aged five and seven.)

Older Girl: “[My Name], [Younger Girl] just said a bad word!”

Me: “What?”

Older Girl: “The ‘F’ word!”

Me: “[Younger Girl]?”

Younger Girl: *gleefully* “FROZEN! FROZEN! FROZEN! FROOOOOOOZEN!”

Older Girl: “Bad word! Stooooooop! Bad word!”

(Apparently, the older girl, whose name is the same as a major character from the movie ‘Frozen,’ hates the movie because that’s what everyone thinks of when they hear her name and has forbade anyone in her house to say it.)

(This takes place when I’m hanging out with a friend and we’re driving to the movies. My friend is a guy, I’m a girl, and many people used to say how we would get together even though we don’t see each other that way.)

Friend: *messes with the air conditioning and the windows start to fog up* “No! Bad car! We do not want it to get hot and steamy in here!”

Me: *starts to laugh before a very sexually explicit song comes on the radio*

Friend: “D*** it, car! Stop trying to ship us!”

(I used to work in the IT department for a well-known grocery chain.)

Friend: “Oh, you work for [Grocery Store]?”

Me: “In the IT department, yes.”

Friend: “Then you can probably answer this question: Why are the grocery prices so high?”

Me: “…I have no idea.”

Friend: “But you work there!”

Me: “Yes, in IT. I write and test computer programs. I have nothing to do with setting the prices.”

Friend: “Oh. Well, how about this: I was in [Grocery Store] the other day, and the lights flickered. Did you have anything to do with that?”

(I laugh, thinking she’s joking. She’s not.)

Me: “No. I didn’t.”

(I own a Doberman, and he looks fairly terrifying. A lot of people shy away from him when I go to the vet or pet store. He is tame though, and the sweetest dog you’d ever meet. I’ve brought him in and hooked his leash around one of my belt loops. I am female.)

Customer: “Oh, my! What a scary dog! Are you sure it’s not dangerous?”

Me: “Oh, no! He is an absolute sweetie. Don’t worry about him.”

(My dog yawns.)

Customer: “Eeek! He just tried to bite me! Bad dog! BAD DOG!”

Me: “Erm… he’s just yawning.”

Customer: “Oh, I can’t take it… What must boys think of you?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I mean, with a terrifying mutt of a dog like that, what man would ever like you?”

Me: “I’m engaged, and I’d appreciate it if you would stop talking to me now.”

Customer: “But- but… ARGH! Fine! No one in here is gonna stop her?! I’ll take care of that d*** mutt myself!”

(She tries to unhook the leash, but it’s hard to detach, and I bat her hands away.)

Me: “What the heck? Get away from me!”

(My dog yawned again and she went white, then frantically ran out of the door.)