Best Not To Log-Split Hairs With This Guy

Customer: “So, you ain’t got no log splitters?”

Me: “We actually do. We sell 25-ton units and 35-ton units. They’re on display in front of the store.”

Customer: *looking all around, even UP, in an effort to see splitters IN the store* “Where?”

Me: “Sorry about the confusion. They’re outside, in front of the store, lined up on the sidewalk.”

Customer: *still scanning the heavens for, apparently, flying log splitters* “You mean… OUTSIDE?!”

Me: “Yes. Which size were you interested in?”

Customer: “The 20-ton.”

Me: “We actually don’t sell a 20-ton unit, we carry 25s and 35s.”

Customer: “So, it’ll do both?”

Me: “No… they’re two separate units. One does 25 tons and the other does 35 tons.”

Customer: “So, it’ll do 25 tons?”

Me: “They are two separate uni…”

(In my mind I say, “F*** it.”)

Me: “…yes, it’ll do 25 tons.”

Customer: “How much is that one?”

Me: “The 25-ton unit is normally $999, but we have a sale starting this Friday that takes them down to $849, for a savings of $150. However, since you’re here today, I will honor that sale price and let you have it for $849 today, prepped and ready to go.”

Customer: “Well, how much without the prep cost?”

Me: “We actually don’t charge for preparation. We throw that in as a perk to you for buying from us. It’s a value of not having to pay for a bottle of oil or gallons of fuel. When you buy from us, your unit will be ready to leave the store and go straight to the woods to start splitting.”

Customer: “So, how much money does it take off if I don’t have you prep it?”

Me: “Sir, there is no cost for the preparation. We do that for free.”

Customer: “I know; I understand that! But if you don’t do it, how much will I save?”

Me: “You don’t get additional money off if we don’t prep the unit. You would actually be losing value because we are in fact giving you that service for free.”

Customer: “Um… okay.” *still very confused* “So, when does this sale start?”

Me: “The sale doesn’t officially start until Friday, but I will give you the sale price today. It’s a $150 savings.”

Customer: “So, it’s $700?”

Me: “No, it’s $849.”

Customer: “You said it was $150 off!”

Me: “Yes, it’s $150 off the original price, which is $999. $999 minus $150 comes out to the sale price, $849.”

Customer: “Well, when does it go on sale for $700?”

Me: “Sir, it doesn’t go down to $700 ever. Okay, here: the original price of the unit is $999. With me so far?”

Customer: *nods*

Me: “So, the sale price of the unit, which is what I’m offering you today, right now, is $849. That’s a savings of $150.”

Customer: “Okay, so when does the sale start?”

Me: “Friday.”

Customer: “So, I come back on Friday and it’s $849? Will you take any money off if I buy it today?”

Me: *bewildered pause* “If… Yes, sure, I’ll give you a ‘special deal’ of $849 if you buy it right now.”

Customer: “Don’t you have another location in [Town]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Do they carry the same stuff as you guys?”

Me: “Yes, they do; we’re a chain. There might be some variation in inventory, but we carry the same product, yes.”

Customer: “Oh, good. I’m not from around here; I’m just in the area right now. Thanks for all the info; I’ll go up there and pick one up on Friday when the sale starts!”

Me: *face meets palm*