Baptism Blunders And Bureaucratic Buffoonery

I was born in the late 1980s in a very Catholic part of Germany. My parents were church members at that time — although more out of tradition than deep faith — so there was no question that I, too, should be baptized Catholic. There was only one problem. My parents wanted my godparents to be their two best friends — who were (and are) Protestant. For the arch-conservative pastor of the local church, this was an absolute outrage, which is why he told my parents with deepest contempt:

Pastor: “Either bring me Catholic godparents, or I will not baptize your child!”

With that attitude, he caught my father on the wrong foot; he can be very direct when you piss him off. So, he retorted without batting an eye:

Father: “If that’s the case, then stick your baptism where the sun don’t shine! I’m leaving your club today. Good day!”

And he stayed true to his word!

Regardless of this event, which I was not told about until many years later, I never felt the urge to join a church myself throughout my life — on the contrary, I developed an agnostic and church-critical basic attitude. So, you would think that this subject would have been settled for me.

I was wrong. When I started my first paying job many years ago, my first pay stub said that I had to pay church tax for the Catholic Church.

What?

A few details for non-German readers: in Germany, the major churches are financed by what is known as church tax. Very simply put, although state and church are officially separate, the German administration collects a monthly levy (“church tax”) on behalf of and for the big churches, the amount of which depends on your other taxes paid. Don’t question it; this system has historical reasons and should be reformed urgently as it is a total clusterf***, but currently, no politician wants to mess with the churches.

Now, obviously, I had never become part of the Catholic Church. Accordingly, I had little desire to pay money for this on a monthly basis, especially since it would be even greater as my salary would increase in the future. Therefore, I called the Human Resources department of my employer to have the mistake corrected. There, I got this as an answer:

Human Resources: “We can’t do that; we have the data from the tax office. Ask there.”

At the tax office, I was told:

Tax Office: “We can’t do that; we have the data from the residents’ registration office. Ask there.”

And there, too, I was told — you guessed it:

Registration Office: “We can’t do that; we have the data from the residents’ registration office of your previous town of residence. You would have to ask there.”

What? The? F***? Apparently, for the German administration, I had been Catholic on paper forever; I just had never noticed it before. The very nice clerk at my residents’ registration office offered two theories as to how this could have happened. My parents had forgotten to report my “baptism incident” to their town council, or an overzealous registrar had simply assumed that as the child of two Catholic parents, I would naturally become Catholic, as well, and had registered it that way.

Now I was even more motivated to correct this mistake as soon as possible. I therefore asked the registration office clerk what I would now have to do.

Registration Office Clerk: “You must officially declare your exit from the church.”

Me: “…What?”

Registration Office Clerk: “Yes, there is no other way.”

Me: “But I’m not even a member. Couldn’t the church just look me up in their membership register and confirm that I’m not in it?”

Registration Office Clerk: “The church doesn’t have a membership register.”

Me: “…What?!”

Registration Office Clerk: “Yes.”

Me: “Am I understanding this correctly? I have never been a church member, and the church could just claim it to the tax office to get my money without keeping records of its members? And the only way out of this is to declare an exit, which I really shouldn’t be able to do in the first place because I’m not even a member?”

Registration Office Clerk: “Yes.”

Me: “That’s highly stupid.”

Registration Office Clerk: “I wouldn’t disagree with that.”

To declare my exit, I then had to go to my local county courthouse. There is a separate — well-attended! — counter just for that! Don’t ask; I told you before it was a clusterf***.

The clerk there told me as I left:

County Courthouse Clerk: “Be sure to keep this document carefully! It is the only accepted evidence!”

She didn’t have to tell me twice!