A Long-John Week

Our chief financial officer comes back from lunch and finds a voicemail on her direct line, originating from an unlisted number. She doesn’t deal with customers directly, so it’s a mystery how the caller even got the number. Each day, a new voicemail message appears, each time while she’s out of the office on her lunch break.

Monday: “Hi, this is John. My Internet isn’t working. Please give me a call.”

Tuesday: “Hi, this is John again. My Internet still isn’t working; please call me”

Wednesday: “Hi, John again! MY F****** INTERNET IS STILL DOWN. CALL ME.”

Thursday: “WHY WON’T YOU MORONS CALL ME BACK?! MY INTERNET IS STILL DOWN. CALL ME BACK! NOW!”

Friday: “What is WRONG WITH YOU?! CALL ME, CALL ME, CALL ME, CALL ME, CALL ME! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS S***!”

Saturday: “YOU FIX MY INTERNET NOOOOW OR I’M GOING TO… AAAAAAARGH! JUST CALL ME BACK! NOW!”

Sunday: “Please fix my Internet… and please call me back.”

He never left his last name, phone number, address, account number, or any other remotely identifiable info, not even his first name after the initial few calls. We had hundreds of customers named John. He also never bothered to call our 1-800 help desk or customer service numbers, which were plastered all over the website, phonebook, Yellow Pages, and ads. We never did find who was calling.