Will Someone Please Think Of The Caviar

(A customer is calling in regarding a five-day hold we have on his deposit of a personal check for $150,000. Note that in the three months he has been a customer, his account has been negative sixty times and has an average daily balance of $75.00—hence the hold.)

Customer: “You need to give me all my money now! My family is starving. We have no money to pay for food! I am going to the local news and telling them about how you big banks are forcing us to starve to death!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we did give you $1000 of that deposit immediately. Due to the large amount of the check, you will have to wait for the hold to be lifted.”

Customer: “But my children are starving! How can you be so cruel and starve children?!”

Me: “Sir, we are your bank. I can see everything you have spent with your debit card, and I see you went to [upscale restaurant] and spent $250 last night on dinner.”

Customer: “Well… the lobster was under-prepared. Do you really expect my children to be forced to eat like that?! This isn’t a third-world country! What is wrong with you? They are starving!”

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