The Police Escorting You From The Premises Rarely Ends With A Refund

I work in a hotel. Last night, we had some idiots staying with us. They originally checked in Saturday night, and we really shouldn’t have let them stay Sunday because they came to extend their reservation stinking to high heaven of weed, and all of our rooms are nonsmoking. But housekeeping was already overwhelmed, so the owner decided we’d let them stay.

Late last night, someone came asking for a key to one of their two rooms, and that someone’s name was not on either of the rooms. The night audit employee apologized and said that she couldn’t provide them a key as their name was not on the room. They got argumentative with her and said the person who rented the room was at the club and unable to come to provide her ID. They went back and forth, with the customer getting more irate with [Night Audit] while she started to get overwhelmed and started shaking. (She’s still working on becoming numb like the rest of us.)

Finally, the girl who rented the rooms came in asking for a key, apparently not having been at the club. She also started being rude toward [Night Audit], who ultimately called the police to have them removed.

This morning, when I came in for my shift, [Night Audit] relayed all this to me. She also expressed worry that the people knew her name because someone clearly disguising their voice called about an hour after the police left and asked her some questions.

Today, when housekeeping went to check the rooms, they found that they’d both been heavily smoked in; there were ashes and blunt wrappers and such all over the place. We tried to charge the card on file for the rest of the smoking fee not covered by the deposits but, as expected, they were broke-a** losers.

This all in and of itself would not have warranted a story; I’ve been in the business going on eight years and am used to this stupidity.

Then, about twenty minutes ago, a new chapter was added to the story.

I got a call asking for the manager, and the caller was in luck as I happen to be the Manager On Duty.

Caller: “Do you have an employee whose name is Stephanie?”

We did not, and I told her so.

Caller: “Okay, do you have any employees whose names start with S?”

We also didn’t have one of those, which I told her. She gave up.

Caller: “Fine. I need to make a complaint about the girl who was working last night.”

In fairness, her name does start with an S sound, but I wasn’t about to tell the caller this, having realized it was one of the dinguses from the night before.

But I politely let her give me their version of events, knowing full well it was a lie. I know better than to stop an opponent from making a mistake. Their tall tale included the friends being refused access to their room, [Night Audit] being extremely rude, and the cops being called for no reason. I already knew [Night Audit] hadn’t been rude to them; I had watched the security footage from the event, and [Night Audit] doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. I don’t think she could’ve been rude if she tried.

Caller: “I want at least half my money back because of what happened!”

Me: “You will get nothing back. I have reviewed the footage, I know exactly what transpired. And furthermore, both rooms were heavily smoked in.”

Caller: “We thought they were smoking rooms because they smelled like smoke when we checked in. We called the desk to let them know that the room smelled like smoke!”

I don’t know why you’d do that if you thought it was a smoking room.

Me: “No, all of our rooms are nonsmoking, and the paper you signed at check-in says as much. Plus, even if it smelled like smoke, you left ashes and blunt wraps and such all over.”

At that point, she realized she had lost.

Caller: “Fine. But my friends and I won’t be coming back there ever again!”

I don’t know why she thought threatening me with a good time would mean anything, and I wish I said, “I don’t know why you think we’d want you back here.” But instead, I just said:

Me: “You wouldn’t be welcome back.”

She hung up.