American Election 2016 Roundup
Dear readers,
Today is an important day for The United States Of America, and so to keep with the theme we’ve rounded up some of our most relevant politics-related stories. Please read, enjoy, and vote wisely!
(A young girl of 18 or 19, clearly a first-time voter, skips the line and rushes up to my table.)
Me: “I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait. There’s a line.”
Voter: “I’m sorry, but it’s important! I need to get my ballot paper back. I voted for the wrong person!”
Me: “Alright, give me the spoiled one.”
Voter: “I can’t. I put it in the box.”
Me: “Then I’m afraid we can’t get it back. The boxes can’t be opened until the end of voting at ten o’clock.”
Voter: “But I didn’t know! I don’t want the Conservatives to get in so I voted for [Conservative candidate]. I should have voted for someone else!”
Me: “Um, why did you vote for the Conservative?”
(The girl turns scarlet and looks utterly miserable.)
Voter: “I thought it was like TV where you vote them off!”
(I work in an election office. It’s the afternoon on Election Day, and we’ve been in a call center since 6 am, telling citizens where their designated polling place is and explaining how closed primaries work. The phone rings.)
Me: “Hello, county elections, how may I help you?”
Citizen: “I’ve been to three different polling places today, and they all say I’m in the wrong place!”
Me: “Can I have your name? I’ll look up your polling place for you.”
(The citizen gives their name.)
Me: “It looks like your polling place is [Elementary School].”
Citizen: “I’ve already been to three other places! How was I supposed to know that’s where my polling place was?”
Me: “Well, we sent you a card a few weeks ago with your polling place on it. It should also be on the voter card that was mailed when you registered to vote at your address.”
Citizen: “I have three kids! I don’t have time to read my mail!”
Me: “In addition, we’ve listed all the polling places in the local paper for the last two weeks, and you could look up your polling place online at [website]. We’ve also had pamphlets at the local library. Or you could have called this number before you went to three different polling places.”
Citizen: “That’s unacceptable! I want someone to come to my house on the morning of election day with a van and say, ‘Mrs. [Name], this is where you vote!’”
Me: “Uh…”
(It is the evening of July 3rd.)
Customer: “Can you show me where you keep your American flags?”
Me: “Down the holiday aisle, at the back.”
(A few moments later, we hear her screaming. My manager runs back to find out what is happening. She is screaming so loud that we can hear every word.)
Manager: “What’s wrong, ma’am?”
Customer: “What’s wrong with you people!?”
(She holds up the American flag box, and points at the ‘Made in China’ stamp on the bottom.)
Manager: “I don’t see the problem, ma’am.”
Customer: “How dare you people try to sell an American flag that was made in China!”
Manager: “Ma’am, only the box was made in China.”
Customer: “Don’t you try to pull that on me! I can clearly see the stamp that says this flag was made in China!”
Manager: “It says the flag was made in the USA right here on the front of the box, ma’am.”
Customer: “You’re lying to me again! I can’t believe how stupid you people are!”
(She storms off. My manager and I have a little laugh, and then we get back to work. About half an hour later, two policemen come in and ask for my manager.)
Manager: “How can I help you, officers?”
Cop #1: “We got a call about an attempted homicide in this store.”
Manager: “Really? This is the first I’ve heard of it. What happened?”
Cop #2: “The lady that called 911 said that the people at this store, and were trying to kill her with their dropping prices.”
(It’s clear by this point the cops are stifling a laugh, and are making light of the customer’s ridiculous call.)
Cop #1: “Would you know anything about that?”
Manager: “No, sir, as far as I know, we don’t drop our prices unless we’re sure they won’t land on anyone!”
You And Me Could Write A Bipartisan Romance
(I am the first person to arrive at work in the morning, and I answer a call as soon as I walk into the door.)
Caller: “Finally! I have been calling since 5 am! You people should be ashamed. I have an emergency!”
Me: “I’m sorry. No one gets here until 10 am most days. How can I help you?”
Caller: “I have a serious problem! My daughter has planned to have a date sometime today at your theater, and I told her she was not allowed to go! I need you to cancel her ticket!”
(I see no pre-sales for the day at all.)
Me: “No one has bought a ticket so far for today, so I can’t really help. Maybe you should just make her stay home?”
Caller: “Well, I can’t do that. She lives in her own place and I can’t get over there in time to stop her.”
Me: “Just how old is your daughter anyway?”
Caller: “She’s 28.”
Me: “Ma’am, she’s an adult and I cannot refuse her a ticket because you do not approve of her date.”
Caller: “You don’t understand! He’s a Democrat!”
Mexico Will Pay The Tax For Me
(A customer has been somewhat annoying and his wife is getting tired of it. He becomes unconvinced that their 10% off coupon works and begins doing the math, saying that it should only have been $50.)
Wife: “You have to add the tax.”
Husband: *serious* “I don’t pay taxes. I’m a Trump supporter.”
(I work in customer service for credit cards for a major bank. The call volume is unusually slow for the night, probably due to the first Presidential Debate of 2016.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. My name is [My Name]. May I have your name?”
(I gain access to their account and assist with a payment. At this rate, I’m hoping it is just a quick call, as my shift is about to end in a few minutes.)
Me: “Okay, Mr. [Customer]. That’s all set. Is there anything else I may assist with tonight?”
Customer: “Yeah! Make sure you get out and vote in November. We need to make America great again, and only Trump can do that! He’s our last hope against Hillary.”
Me: *brief pause* “Well, I can understand the concern. All right, then, I want to thank you for being such a loyal card-member. Have a great night!”
(At this point, I am trying to avoid any political talk, and I probably could have phrased it differently or at least acknowledged I would be voting.)
Customer: “You’re voting, right?! You didn’t say if you’d be voting. I hope to god you’re voting for Trump. If [Bank] is supporting Hillary I’m closing all my accounts.”
Me: “To be honest, I was trying to not directly answer the question. It is not quite professional of me to discuss political opinions, seeing as that is not about your account at all.”
Customer: “You’re allowed to have an opinion! You’re a person too, you know. [Bank] should let you be able to speak freely if you want to.”
Me: “Yes… But as you also just stated, if you thought I was going for Hillary, you were going to close all your accounts with [Bank]. I’m not saying if I’m voting for Trump or Hillary, because it has no stance with [Bank] at all. Is there anything else I may assist with tonight?”
Customer: “I guess not.”
Trumps You In The Stupid Department
(It is early 2016 and an election year, so my bookstore has created a prominent political section near the entrance. There are a large selection of books about Obama at eye-level. A customer comes up to me, looking angry.)
Customer: “You need to take these books down!”
Me: “Which books would that be, sir?”
Customer: “All those books about that Barack HUSSEIN Osama!” *yes, he really did emphasize the ‘Hussein’ middle name and use ‘Osama’ instead of Obama*
Me: “Well, they form part of the political section of our store. Since he is currently our president we have a wide range of books commenting on him and his politics, both for and against.”
Customer: “Well, he ain’t my president!”
Me: “Well, unless you’re not an American citizen, I am afraid he is.”
Customer: “Well, I didn’t vote for him, so he ain’t!”
Me: “Neither did I, sir, but I still acknowledge him as my president.”
Customer: “You didn’t vote for him either? And you still let them put up books about him!”
Me: “Sir, we aren’t going to be taking the books down just because you don’t like him.”
Customer: “But he’s the reason behind everything that’s wrong with this country!”
(At this point I have had enough of the rhetoric I hear so much that I decide to take a risk and call him out on it.)
Me: “Really, sir? So what are those reasons?”
Customer: “He… uh… Obamacare!”
Me: “You mean universal healthcare for the poorest of our citizens? I agree, it really is awful.”
Customer: “And the economy!”
Me: “I agree, the economy really is in a bad state. It started with the Bush administration and has been gradually getting better. The whole world really was caught up in some economic turmoil back there, but I doubt it was all because of Obama.”
Customer: “Yeah, well, Trump will fix it all.”
Me: “How so?”
Customer: “He’s gonna make America great again!”
Me: “Yes, but how so?”
Customer: “By kicking out everyone that hates America!”
Me: “Like Obama?”
Customer: “Yeah! Trump 2016!”
Me: “So you want me to deny American citizens commentary, both positive and negative, on Obama by refusing to sell books on him?”
Customer: “Yeah! Trump 2016!”
Me: “And at the same time agree with your double-standards on Freedom Of Speech by supporting Trump, a man who famously likes to spew out insults and hate but can’t handle when they are thrown back at him?
Customer: “Uh…”
Me: “No, sir, we will not be removing the books. You are of course, totally free to disagree with me and state your opinion.”
Customer: “Trump 2016!”
Me: “Will you be making any other purchases today, sir?”
Customer: “H*** no! I never read books! Trump 2016!”
Customer: “Do you have a copy of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?”
Me: “I’m not sure, let me check.” *I check our bestsellers section* “No sir, not at this time.”
Customer: “But did you look back in the history section?”
Me: “For Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?”
Customer: “Yeah.”
Me: “No, I did not.”
