(I’ve just finished cleaning the bathrooms and decide to chat with our current shift leader, who is female.)

Me: “Y’know, us guys have the reputation for being the dirty, messy gender. But after cleaning bathrooms here every day and witnessing the difference between the male and female restrooms I think that’s wrong. Seriously, HOW do girls get the bathroom that messy? For that matter, how do they manage to get pee on the seat? I would understand if some messy guy was too lazy to lift the seat in the guy’s room, but for women it shouldn’t even be pos—”

Shift Leader: “Oh, that’s because most girls don’t sit down to go.”

Me: “… You’re going to have to explain that to me.”

Shift Leader: “Well, it’s a public restroom. Girls don’t want to catch some disease from some whore by sitting on the toilet seat. So, they sorta hover over it. And doing that it’s pretty easy to get some on the seat.”

Me: “Okay, putting aside how gross that is, let’s address how stupid that is. If it was that easy to catch a disease from sitting on a shared toilet seat, there would be epidemics going all over the place. Public toilets aren’t cleaned THAT often.”

Shift Leader: “Well, maybe not just by sharing butt space, but the pee itself can harbor diseases. Any bit caught on the seat could transmit something, so we hover.”

Me: “I’m gonna stop you there for a sec to try and think this out… So from what you’re telling me we have ‘dirty’ girls and ‘clean’ girls. The dirty girls probably don’t care and sit right down on the seat. The clean girls hover, and as a result piss all over it. So not only are you only theoretically risking minute contamination from other ‘clean’ girls, but if all of you would just sit down on the d*** seat there wouldn’t be a issue in the first place and I wouldn’t have to clean piss off of the woman’s toilet every d*** day!”

Shift Leader: “You just don’t get it.”

Me: “I very clearly don’t!”

(I work in a sandwich shop. It is just my boss and me in the shop when a customer comes in.)

Me: “Hi! What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Hi. Could I please have a medium tuna sandwich, please?”

Me: “Tuna fish? All right.”

Customer: “Wait, it’s tuna FISH?”

(Thinking she thought I meant simply slabs of fish, I explained what our product was.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t mean just pieces of fish. It’s tuna salad – albacore tuna fish mixed with mayonnaise and celery.”

Customer: “Yeah, but it’s still fish, and I hate fish. Why don’t you sub shops just have tuna? Why is it always tuna fish everywhere I go?”

(My boss had to make the woman’s sandwich, because I couldn’t fathom what was going on.)

(My daughter is six years old when we stop at a popular restaurant to grab a bite to eat. We go through the drive-thru.)

Speaker: “Hello. Welcome to [Restaurant]. I’ll be with you in just a moment.”

Daughter: “Aw, mom, lets go somewhere else. We got their answering machine!”

(My dad and I are eating out at a bar and grill. There’s not many people because it’s the slow time between lunch and dinner. The staff is setting up the tables for dinner, such as lighting candles. Note that my dad is in his late 40s and I’m a teen.)

Waitress: *sets a candle on the table and lights it* “There. That should set the mood.”

Dad: *as she walks away* “Just what kind of mood is she trying to set?!”

(I’m quoting a meme from the internet to Coworker #1.)

Me: “I washed your gun for you. It’s in the dishwasher!”

(Coincidentally, the dishwasher in the back comes on with a loud gurgle. Coworker #2 comes running in.)

Coworker #2: “AUGH! NO, NO, NO, NO!”

Coworker #1: “Well… He had the right reaction!”