(My friend and I are talking on Skype. I’m complaining about how I injured myself the previous night by carelessness and exhaustion. I have a few bruises as a result.)

Me: “The worst of the injuries was slamming my big toe into the doorjamb. That took up the rest of my night.”

Friend: “No fun! I’m sorry.”

Me: “Me, too. I’m clearly not safe and need protection for a while.”

Friend: “You’ll still manage to get banged up, I’m sure.”

Me: “ROFL! I meant like bubble wrap armor!”

Friend: “Oh, god, I didn’t mean it that way! I meant you’ll still get banged by something.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “That still sounds horrible, never mind!”

(I discover that when someone on a popular social media site sends you a message and you aren’t “friends”, it gets sent to their spam/filtered requests. When I hear this, I decide to check it out, and am surprised to find a message from a girl I went to high school with. It’s a little weird since while we were never antagonistic with each other, she was very much the popular girl, and I kept to myself with the other nerd girls. The message is over a year old, and the follow-ups she sent are… well…)

Girl: “Hey, [My Name]! I don’t know if you remember me, but we were in [Teacher]’s homeroom together in seventh grade. I was just idly searching around online and I saw you and figured I would see how you’re doing! Looks like you’re in [City] now? Wow, what’s that like?”

Girl: *one day later, and, again, I never saw this message because it was filtered* “So, what, you’re too good to talk to me now? Figures. You were stuck up in high school, too. Guess you don’t want to be friends. Whatever. BYE.”

Girl: *one week later* “You know, I tracked down [Girl I honestly don’t remember or recall meeting at all], and she said she wasn’t surprised. You’ve always been ‘too good’ for other people. Just sad you haven’t changed.”

Girl: *one week later* “The guy you married isn’t even hot. Did you know [Guy I dated briefly for like two weeks and split up with amicably like fifteen years ago] is on [Site]?” *links to profile* “You really f***ed up letting that one go. Check out how hot he is now. I should send him a message. Doubt he’d be surprised to hear how frigid you still are.”

Girl: *TWO MONTHS later* “It’s just sad is all. I hope you get over yourself someday. Then maybe you can get some friends and a real job.”

(Needless to say, while I initially felt bad about missing her message, the more I read on, the more convinced I became that I dodged a bullet not connecting with her again.)

(I’m in an online Spanish class the day after US Presidential Election day, working with two other students to create a recorded phone call; this entails an answering machine and a message being left. We are unsure what to say until I just randomly spit out the first thing I think of.)

Me: “Why not just make it Donald Trump?”

Student #1: “YEEEES! And the caller can be Hillary Clinton!”

Me: “And it can just entirely be Hillary insulting Donald!”

Student #1 & #2: “Let’s do it.”

(We then write out the call in Spanish. In English it is essentially:)

Donald Trump: “Hello, you have reached the phone of Donald Trump. Leave a message after the tone, and remember MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” *beep*

Hillary Clinton: “Hello, RONALD DUMP! You are ugly and stupid and your hair is very ugly! I’m giving the phone to Bernie.”

Bernie Sanders: “Hello, Ronald Dump! It’s Bernie! You are bad for America! Very bad, bad, baaad! Goodbye, Trump. Goodbye, America. Goodbye!”

(We got a A+ on that assignment, and we got to read it in class.)

(I’m literally tongue-tied, meaning the muscle under my tongue connects to the tip of my tongue and I cannot get it out of my mouth properly. The conversation has fixated on them wanting to see me eat an ice cream cone.)

Friend: “I’ll just be sitting there watching, eating my sundae— WAIT, CAN YOU USE SPOONS?”

Me: “Uh…”

Friend #2: “Did you just ask if she could use a spoon?”

(I need something from a company by Wednesday morning. I order it on Sunday, and since I know it will ship on Monday, I pay extra for one-day shipping. I get a confirmation email stating my item will arrive by Tuesday, eight pm. On Tuesday evening, I get an “update” showing that item will arrive on Wednesday evening, as it was only shipped out on Tuesday morning, from 500 miles away. I’ve just explained all this in a call to customer service.)

Employee: “We don’t ship on Sundays.”

Me: *still pleasant at this stage* “I know that, which is why when I ordered it on Sunday. I paid for one-day shipping, so I would get it by Tuesday.”

Employee: “I’m sorry, but it is arriving in one day.”

Me: *starting to get frustrated* “Well, yes, but not one day from when it was ordered, and not one day from when it was SUPPOSED to be shipped. Is there any way you can expedite another item for arrival by tomorrow morning?”

Employee: “I can remove the extra charge for one-day shipping, but the item IS arriving in one day.”

(We go round and round, with me pointing out I got the email from Company saying it would be there Tuesday, etc, and her just repeating that it is on time, as it is arriving one day after it was shipped.)

Me: “So, by your argument, if I selected one day shipping last week, but you don’t send it until Thursday two weeks from now, so long as it arrives on the next day, it’s still on time?” *bangs head on keyboard*

Employee: “…”

(In the end I never could get her to understand how this didn’t add up to “on time.”)