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Writing Them Out Of Your Friendship

| Friendly | November 5, 2016

(Two years ago I and a friend of mine started an online fantasy web-comic, I as the character creator and writer, and him as the artist. For the first year and a half, things went perfectly and the comic picks up a surprisingly large audience. Unfortunately at the close of the second year he gets a girlfriend who seems to completely take over his life, to the point that his art starts to suffer and he starts missing deadlines to deliver pages to me to post because he’s spending so much time with her. It gets to the point where the next volume of the comic is now a month overdue because my friend has yet to actually show me any new pages. I keep posting updates telling everyone what’s going on and readers are getting impatient. Finally I get a few new pages but they look horrible and it’s clear he’s not been following the script I gave him.)

Me: “Hey, um… just wanted to ask, what’s the deal with these pages? This looks nothing like your normal quality, and why are there suddenly all these changes to the characters?”

Friend: “Well, my girlfriend hates vampires so she thought [Character] would be better if I made her an elf. Likewise she didn’t think [Male Character] looked sexy enough and asked me to make him a blonde and add more to his bulk. I had to ditch your script and write my own to fit in the changes.”

Me: “We’re right at the point where the party ventures to the vampire homelands… and you’re trying to get rid of the vampire character? Also [Male Character] being lanky and not sexy is the whole point! He’s meant to be an aversion of the typical fantasy hero design!”

Friend: “Well, we’ll work with it. I’ve already got a new plot line in place that’ll explain all the changes!”

Me: “[Friend], I can’t post these. Everyone’s eagerly awaiting the resolution to the current arc! You can’t just start a new one because your girlfriend says so.”

Friend: “Well, we’re going on vacation for the winter so I won’t be able to draw anything new. Guess you’ll just have to wait till we come back to discuss this.”

Me: “Actually, no. I’ve held off long enough on your account; I’m not going to keep everyone waiting.”

Friend: “Yeah? What are you going to do then? Replace me?”

Me: “Yes.”

Friend: “Wait… what?”

(I show him several chat logs I’ve held with other artists, several of whom have expressed how inspired they’ve been by the comic and would be honored to contribute to it.)

Me: “This whole comic was my idea to begin with, including the setting, the cast, and the story. I let you draw it because I wanted you to have a venue to promote your skills, but if you can’t deliver on that then there’s plenty of other artists who’d be happy to take your place.”

Friend: “I’ll… uh… I’ll see if I can get you some new pages before we leave.”

(Sadly his work ethic continued to deteriorate and eventually I indeed had to get another artist to take over for him.)

Leaking Mortgage Payments Out The Butt

| Romantic | November 3, 2016

(I am currently going to school two hours away from where my husband lives. I go home on the weekends, and live away during the week. The weekend prior to this, one of our cats brought two dead mice into the house, which I threw away and cleaned up after. Two days prior to this, my husband, who fly fishes, got a mink tail from a friend who has a mink farm. Note: Our cats are not allowed on the kitchen counters.)

Husband: “I’ve got the mink tail on the kitchen counter, and [Male Cat] is being a d*** about it. He won’t stop sniffing at it, and won’t leave it alone. He won’t stay off the counters!”

Me: “He’s mad because you’re allowed to bring dead animals into the house, and he gets in trouble when he does it.”

Husband: “Well, when he starts paying the d*** mortgage, he can bring all the dead animals into the house that he pleases.”

Me: “Too bad we can’t pay the mortgage in ‘butt-hole licks.’ That’s about the only thing he’s good at.”

Husband: *laughs hard* “We’d be so rich if we could pay for things in ‘butt-hole licks.'”

Doing A Job On That Scam

| Working | November 1, 2016

(I have been unemployed for a month and a half and getting desperate for a new job. I receive an email saying “We found your resume and would like to set up an interview. Create a Gmail account so we can talk via chat.” The guy goes into his spiel and offers what feels like a too-good-to-be-true work from home job — they’ll send me the equipment, everything I need to do the job, big paycheck, etc. But, desperate times… I agree to meet him online for “training” which consisted of me writing articles instead of actual training for the data entry I was hired for. When I ask for more details:)

Me: “Can you give me more information about [Company] and what it is the company does and what you do?”

Scammer: “We are an innovative technology company. We build and invent smart technology for clients in the mining and industrial sector. I am the head of human resources department.” *this job title is different than what is listed on the company’s website*

Me: “And you guys are based in Australia?” *found that info on Google*

Scammer: “Yes, that’s correct.”

(Then he started asking me about my bank. Due to training from a previous job and common sense, I had NOT given any personal information or banking information. When I was given the option of direct deposit or physical paycheck, I said I wanted a physical paycheck.)

Scammer: “You bank with [My Bank], correct?”

Me: “That is correct.”

Scammer: “News reaching me from the account department states your bank offers the online mobile check deposit, where you take a picture of your check and have it deposited… Is that correct?”

Me: “Yes, I have that option.”

Scammer: “It was also brought to my notice that the check doesn’t have to be mailed to you but it can also be emailed to you. Correct? It works that way because most of our employees use it.”

(This sends off some serious red flags for me, and my bank verifies that they do NOT work like that.)

Me: “Their customer service just told me that it has to be a physical check, that I cannot deposit a virtual check received via email.”

(The next day…)

Me: “Do you only have a Gmail account or is there a company email address that I should be conducting official business through?”

Scammer: “There is a company email address as well but this is the environment on which we are communicating. The Gmail is best preferred.”

Me: “What is the company email address, just so I have it for my records so nothing goes to my spam box?”

Scammer: “[hisname.companyname@workmail.com].”

(At this point, I had already contacted the actual company via their website. I got a response email with @companyname.com.au. The following Monday, when I was supposed to start “actual training” we don’t. I call him on it.)

Me: “What will a typical day look like for me?”

Scammer: “Once the working equipment is made available we will put you through and introduce you to a typical business day. You just have to keep calm.”

Me: “I am calm. I’m just curious.”

Scammer: “Curiosity kills the cat. Please be relaxed. All will come through well.”

Me: “Consider me Schrödinger’s cat. Curiosity can keep me alive or kill me. You told me this position was data entry, but you have me doing mini-research papers every day. I would like to know more about the actual position and the type of work I can expect.”

Scammer: “I understand that and all of that would be introduced to you in no time.”

Me: “No time like the present.”

Scammer: “Once your training equipment is made available I would introduce all of that to you. You need not worry.”

(The next day I get an email saying they’ve mailed me a check and I should deduct the pay I’m owed and use the rest to purchase equipment. They told me they would ship the equipment to me.)

Me: “What do you mean deducting my pay from the check? Shouldn’t the check be the amount I’m owed for last week’s training?”

Scammer: “Yes, the check is for your pay and for you to make purchase of your working equipment. That’s what I meant by deduct your pay. Have you tracked the USPS?”

Me: “Yes, and I’m not sure how comfortable I am with this entire situation anymore.”

Scammer: “How do you mean?”

Me: “You tell me that you’re in Australia with the rest of the company but the check was sent from Pennsylvania. You said you’d be sending me equipment, not funds to go buy my own equipment. You haven’t once mentioned how I’m supposed to get the equipment back to you if/when I no longer work for [Company].”

Scammer: “The working equipment is yours.”

Me: “I’m still bothered by the fact that I can’t get a straight answer from you about this job, the fact that [Company]’s website gives you a different job title than you’ve given me, and that your official company email address has a different wording than the rest of the company’s. And there’s the fact that everything we’ve done has been through Gmail chat.”

Scammer: “The check was sent out of our account department in the US. Your working equipment is yours even when and if you choose to terminate working for this company. Have you tracked the USPS?”

Me: “Yes, I have and I should have it today. Have you read all of my concerns?”

Scammer: “I do understand all of that. I understand all of your worries. I felt this same way when I just got hired here.”

Me: “Why are we conducting all business through Gmail chat? Why is your official email hisname.companyname@workmail.com when other emails from [Company] end @companyname.com.au? Why do you have a different job title than what is mentioned on [Company]’s website? And why do you keep dodging my questions about this job? Maybe it’s because we watch TV shows about talented con-men, but my husband thinks that I should cut off all contact with you.”

Scammer: “But I want you to know you are on the right track with the right person and the right company.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but what assurances do I have about that? The sad truth is we live in an age of con-men and hackers. They string people along just enough to get personal information and then bank accounts are cleaned out and identity theft occurs.”

(20 minutes later:)

Me: “When you’re ready to talk to me about what this job actually entails, email me. You have been silent for over 20 minutes which I can only take as I’ve caught you in a lie and you don’t know how to respond.”

(I did deposit the check, but I knew better than to try to spend any of it until my bank verified it. And wouldn’t you know it, my bank couldn’t verify the funds and the money was removed from my account. Had I gone on a shopping spree for office equipment, I would have been responsible for repaying all of that money.)

Mass Defect

| Romantic | November 1, 2016

(I’m Skyping with my big sister and at some point we find ourselves talking about dating. It’s worth noting that unlike my sister, I’m a huge geek and during this conversation, I’ve been playing a lot of Mass Effect, which is a sci-fi/action RPG where you can romance certain characters.)

Me: “Yeah, I guess it would be great to have a boyfriend but I just haven’t met anyone who I’d be interested in.”

Sister: “Oh, someone like that will come along, don’t you worry.” *jokingly* “Unless you plan to date one of those video game characters.”

Me: “…”

Sister: “[My Name]?”

Me: “I honestly wouldn’t mind Garrus.”

Sister: *sigh* “Who?”

Me: “He’s a romance option in Mass Effect. He’s really sweet and fun and caring… and even more awkward with flirting than I ever expect to be! So, yeah, I’d love a human version of him.”

Sister: “A human version?”

Me: “Yeah, you know, since he’s an alien. We still haven’t found out if Turians exist in our universe, so until we do, human version.”

Sister: *face-palm*

Me: “In my defense, he’s a REALLY good-looking alien!”

The Wedding Before The Nightmare Before Christmas

, , , | Romantic | October 31, 2016

(My boyfriend is playing an online game with some of his friends and I’m on my computer browsing Pinterest. I catch part of their conversation: apparently, they’ve started talking about their girlfriends. Neither of us are particularly romantic.)

Boyfriend: *to his friends* “Yeah, my girlfriend is awesome. She loves to cook, helps me keep the house clean, and she crochets some really awesome stuff. She’s actually looking for crochet patterns right now.”

(He listens to his friends for a moment then laughs.)

Boyfriend: “No, dude, you don’t understand: she doesn’t just make hats and gloves like your grandma. I mean, yeah, she made me an awesome R2-D2 hat but she also made me the Enterprise.” *pause* “Yeah, THAT Enterprise. It’s sitting on a shelf in our living room.” *pause* “She’s definitely a keeper. In fact, hey, [Best Friend], would you be my best man?”

(I turn to give him an incredulous look but can’t help laughing.)

Me: “Really?”

Boyfriend: *pulls off his headset and turns to face me* “So, how about we get married on Halloween next year? That’s your favorite holiday, isn’t it? I figure we could do The Nightmare Before Christmas for the theme since it’s your favorite thing ever.”

Me: *laughing* “Sure, let’s do it. Let’s get married on Halloween. I’ll make a Pinterest board for it and start saving ideas.”

(He claps once then turns back to his game and puts his headset back on.)

Boyfriend: “Okay, so, save the date, [Best Friend]. We’re getting married on October 31, 2016 and you’re going to be my best man.” *pause* “Yes, she agreed.” *pause* “No, she wasn’t mad. You guys just don’t understand her like I do.”


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