(I’m renovating an office building and am working on getting one of our best suites cleaned out and painted before I leave for vacation. I manage to get a full coat of paint on all the walls in all the offices in the suite plus the reception area before my last day. I have two workers that I’ve assigned to finish the job and show them what I need. I walk them through one at a time, assigning them sections.)

Me: “Okay. This room is most important because the ceilings are high and I’m short. I need you to paint this section in the beige and the rest in white.”

Worker: “Should be no problem.”

Me: *with second worker* “Do this wall here, from this end to this end.”

Worker #2: “What about this wall?”

Me: “Just concentrate on the section I gave you and we’ll go from there.”

Worker #2: “But I can stick around for five hours and get it all done.”

Me: “No, don’t do that. I only have so many extra payroll hours. So just do the section assigned and we’ll see what else I have left.”

(I leave feeling comfortable that they’ll get it done. I come back and all the areas I’ve cleaned and painted have been torn up with tape on the walls and none of the areas I assigned have been done. My boss is wondering why I have 12 extra hours of payroll.)

Me: “Why didn’t you do the parts I told you?”

Workers #1 & #2: “We did! You said to paint the walls and the other parts didn’t look painted anyway so we did those.”

(So instead of being able to take pictures for the website, I’m going to have to spend another several days painting what I had assigned to them because I’m out of overtime.)

(A while ago I had an IT problem that was handled in part by one of our IT apprentices. During this I already noticed that he was maybe not the brightest. Then, one day I find a backpack on the train — with his name in it! So I call his parents and tell them I have found the backpack and will bring it to the office. I also write an email directly to him, but do not receive any reaction over two days. So I call him:)

Me: “I think I found your backpack on the train. Didn’t your parents tell you?”

Apprentice: “No, they said someone from the railway service had found it.”

Me: “Ooookay, but I also wrote you an e-mail about it?!”

Apprentice: “Well, yes, I saw that, but how could you have found my backpack?”

Me: “Listen, I have a backpack here, a black one, with your name in it. Is it yours?”

Apprentice: “Actually, mine’s blue and—”

Me: *interrupting* “Did you, or did you not, leave your backpack on a train?”

Apprentice: “Uh, yes…”

Me: “Then come and get it in my office!”

(Although she has lived in the US for quite some time, English is not my coworker’s first language, and she sometimes picks the wrong word for what she wants to say.)

Coworker: “Hello, what are you doing?”

Me: “Hello. I’m cutting these little coupons off of these labels. [Coworker #2] collects them.”

Coworker: “Ah, I know these! For education, right?”

Me: “Yep!”

Coworker: “Sometimes, I think, they are on celery, too?”

(It’s immediately obvious to both of us that that wasn’t what she meant to say. We both say the word out loud to see if we can figure out what word she wanted to use.)

Me: “Celery?”

Coworker: “Celery?”

(My brain, instead of giving me suggestions, offers up an unhelpful, albeit funny, image of green grocers patiently tagging individual stalks of celery with those tiny coupons. We keep repeating the word.)

Me: “Celery?”

Coworker: “Celery?”

(Suddenly, her face lights up.)

Coworker: “Cereal!”

Me: “Yes! They come on cereal, too!”

(We laugh, mostly because we were glad that no one walked on us, staring at one another and repeating, “Celery?”)

(HR sends out an email to all the new prospective employees about the time and place for their second interview. They also specify appropriate clothing attire to wear.)

Woman: *in ripped jeans, holey sweatshirt, and red knee high boots* “Excuse me; I’m here for my interview. It’s [Woman] for 3:00.”

Me: “Okay, there’s a washroom around the corner if you want to quickly change before your interview.”

Woman: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Oh… it’s just that the email states to wear ‘business casual’ so I just thought—”

Woman: “Look, they clearly want me if I got this interview. I’m a ‘take me as I am or watch me as I go’ kinda woman and I don’t appreciate your advice. I like this outfit; it’s my ‘feel good’ outfit.”

Me: “And [Company] totally respects individuality in the workplace but since we don’t know you that well, wouldn’t it be a good idea to make a good first impression? There’s a cute, cheap boutique a block away. I can save your time slot for you.”

Woman: *laughs* “Trust me, once they see what I can bring to [Company] they won’t be focused on my clothes. Look at that girl.” *points to owner’s granddaughter in her school uniform with a hiked up skirt* “Look how she’s dressed. If she can wear that to work, so can I. I told you, I’m a ‘take me as I am or watch me as I go’ kinda woman.”

(We watched her as she went, by the way.)

(We get a lot of scam calls in my office about our photo copier. Usually the scammers give up quickly if you ask the right question or two, but not this one.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Company]. This is [My Name] speaking.”

Scammer: “Hi, this is Customer Service calling on your photo copier. We’re updating our records and I just need someone to check the numbers on the side of the copier for me.”

Me: “Okay, and what do you need the information for?”

Scammer: “I’m updating our records.”

Me: “I know, but what do you need it for?” *this is usually the point that most of them hang up*

Scammer: “I’m updating. Our records.”

Me: “I know, but— Okay. Who needs this information?”

Scammer: “We do. We’re the call center for your copier.”

Me: “What company are you from?”

Scammer: “What company are you from?”

Me: *thinking he misheard me and is repeating what I asked for clarification* “What company are you from, sir?”

Scammer: “What company are you from?”

Me: “What— Did you just ask what company I’m from?”

Scammer: “Yes, I did.”

Me: “Are you messing with me now?”

Scammer: “Yes, I am.”

Me: *laughs* “Okay, have a nice day. Bye bye.”

Scammer: “You, too.”