(I am in the reception while our usual receptionist is on leave. There is a small window against the wall opposite the main entrance to the building, so we can see if anyone is coming in. Half of it is sliding glass which I have left open to create a breeze. I hear someone come into the building and look through the window. A man comes up and glares at me through the glass.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

(He continues to glare. I assume he’s waiting for someone and get on my work, but when I notice he hasn’t moved and still glaring I turn my back to him. He then screams.)

Man: “ISN’T ANYONE GOING TO OPEN THE WINDOW AND F**KING TALK TO ME?!”

(I spin around, but before I can say anything a manager, whose office has full view of the entrance, speaks up.)

Manager: “Move over to the right, just a smidgen.”

(The man does as he is told and jumps back when he realises there isn’t glass there.)

Manager: “There you go! That wasn’t hard was it?”

(The man glares at the manager before telling me he is here for an interview. He also whispers that the manager is a b***h who should get slapped.)

Me: *sarcastically* “I’ll take that under advisement. Okay, Mr [Man], for a senior safety advisor position?”

(He nods.)

Me: *loudly* “If you’ll just wait, I’ll go and tell the ‘b***h’ you’re here, and I’ll give her a slap, too, just for good measure.”

(I see him blush as I leave the room, stand right next to him and shout.)

Me: “B***H, YOUR 12 O’CLOCK IS HERE! DO YOU WANT YOUR SLAP NOW OR LATER?”

(He goes into her office and you can feel the tension emanating from the room. About five minutes later he flies past the window mumbling thanks. The manager follows.)

Manager: *handing me his CV* “Could you shred this for me, please?”

Me: “No chance?”

Manager: “Well, you can’t expect a ‘b****’ to take on every man who suggests they need a good slapping. At least he attempted a half-a**ed apology, before suggesting he could take on my role when I decide to ‘pop one out.’”

(Some of us men just don’t know when to shut up.)

(I am one of three assistant directors in an office overseeing about 20 staff with one lead director overseeing us. We have a very high turnover rate as a result of the company being notorious for how poorly they treat their employees at all levels. I’ve been looking for a new job since almost immediately after starting there. I go to an interview right after work one day and am hired on the spot. I feel bad about leaving my boss without notice but don’t want to pass up the opportunity. I call my lead director to let her know.)

Me: “Hey [Boss], I wanted to let you know I was offered another job that starts Monday so today was my last day.”

Boss: “That’s great! I’m glad you found something! You’re gonna have to e-mail the corporate office, though. I quit two hours ago.”

(My name is Joe.)

Coworker: “Hey, Joe… Say, have you ever heard the Jimi Hendrix song, Hey J–”

Me: “YEEEEEES!”

Coworker: “Oh… a little too often then, I take it.”

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(My boss has just gone on paternity leave, so my coworkers and I are signing a card.)

Me: “Congrats on creating life! Have fun with the little one!”

(I then draw some balloons in the corner. Just as I’m handing the card to the next coworker, I notice something and snatch it back.)

Coworker: “What’s wrong?”

Me: *frantically adding smiley faces and hearts to the balloons* “Protip: don’t draw balloons on baby cards. They look way too much like sperm.”

(My cellphone provider checks in about once a year to check if I’m happy with the service and with my current plan. Just a few weeks prior to the following conversation, I had such a check with the conclusion that my current plan is exactly what I need.)

Caller: “Hi, is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Caller: “Are you the person deciding on which provider you use?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “In that case [My Name], I have an exciting offer for you. For only [almost double what I pay now], you can call free to all numbers from [Provider] AND double your 3G limit.”

Me: “No, thank you. I’m happy with my current plan.”

Caller: “But [My Name], you are missing out on a great deal. You can call for free!”

Me: “Can you please do something for me? Can you please check my recent usage? How long did I call last month?”

Caller: “For [time comfortable within my limit].”

Me: “And what about my data?”

Caller: “Well, that was [again comfortable within my limit].”

Me: “For the last six months, how often did I call or needed a higher limit for my 3G than was included in my plan?”

Caller: “Well, you did not.”

Me: “So I’ll stick to the current plan, then.”

Caller: “But you could call for free. And double your data limit!”

Me: “You just confirmed me that my current plan is very well suited for my needs and you want me to spend more on a plan you proved I don’t need?”

Caller: “But you can call for free!”

Me: “Not going to happen. Have a nice day.”

(A few days later they wanted me to join their family plan. Being single was no objection.)