(Taken from a security refresher quiz from my office:)

Quiz: “Which of the following are security best practices? Select three answers then hit Submit:

A: [Option 1]
B: [Option 2]
C: [Option 3]
D: None of the Above.”

(I recently watched the whole series of Hannibal with a friend and fellow coworker. I’m relating a story to her about a conversation I had with my mom.)

Me: “So I told her, ‘You know, I spent so much time watching Hannibal that now I think I want to try liver,’ and her first reaction was ‘human’?”

Other Coworker: *pokes her head around the door* “Wait, did you just say you want to eat human liver?”

(I’m not sure what it says about me that this is apparently a real concern.)

(I get a call at work.)

Mum: “You need to finish work early and come house sit.”

Me: “Is there something wrong?”

Mum: “No, someone is coming by to fix the boiler.”

Me: “Aren’t you at home now?”

Mum: “Yes. When do you think you will get here?”

Me: “Why can’t you house sit?”

Mum: “Because I just heard [Store] is having a sale, and there’s some shoes I need.”

Me: “So, let me get this straight: You want me to leave work early, drive for an hour, and sit in your house, while you go shopping for shoes.”

Mum: “When can you get here?”

Me: *hangs up*

(Five minutes later…)

Manager: “[My Name], I’ve got your mother on the phone, saying it’s an emergency and that you need to get home quickly.”

Me: “Just hang up. She just wants to go shopping.”

(My manager glared at his phone in disgust before hanging up. My mum kept trying and in the end we had to block her number. I got a text from her an hour later saying I would never be welcome in her home again. She still stands by it. This is the second Easter I wasn’t allowed to visit, but my wife and daughter were.)

(I work as a security guard for an office building. Some employees are allowed to work after-hours, but have to sign in and out with me. I have just had this same conversation three times in a row as people came to the security desk to check out.)

Me: “Hi there! Heading out?”

Employee: “Pretty good, and you?”

(I’m starting to think I’m not saying what I think I’m saying.)

(My coworkers are discussing the possibility of time travel.)

Coworker: “Now some people think that time is linear, but I believe that it’s circular.”

Me: “Actually, it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey, stuff.”

(Everyone just stares at me blankly.)

Me: “Geez… am I the ONLY one around here that watches Doctor Who?”