(It’s a busy day at the cinema, and I am working at the concession stand. There are three primary school classes coming in today: one to watch ‘Thumbelina’ and another two to watch ‘Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs.’ My colleague has thoughtfully brought in a tape of Disney music to play over the tannoy and into the halls for the kids. One song is playing as I serve a customer.)

Customer: “I’ll have a medium popcorn and a large coke, please.”

(I turn to get the order when suddenly the music stops and is replaced with a throbbing drumbeat. The colleague who brought the tape in turns pale and runs towards the internal phone to the office.)

Colleague: “Turn it off! Quick! Turn it off!”

(Into three auditoriums packed with kids aged in ranges of 5 to 9 comes the strains of Prince singing ‘Sexy Motherf*****.’ The customer looks at me as I struggle valiantly not to burst out laughing.)

Customer: “Ah, well.  I suppose it’s not something they haven’t heard before.”

(It is the coldest day our area has had in decades, with wind chills reaching -50. Regardless, our theater is still relatively busy.)

Customer: *while walking the opposite direction from me down a hallway* “You should give us free popcorn or something because we came out here in this cold!”

Me: “Sir, unlike me, you came here willingly. I’d rather be home, but I’m working because you’re here.”

Coworker: “You should have told him that they should be bringing us free coffee for having to deal with them!”

(I am working in the box office during the day, when we are usually fairly slow. Because of this, I don’t mind waiting on customers to decide what show they want to see, provided they wait off to the side and don’t obstruct my line.)

Customer #1: *walks in and stands directly in front of my register, looking at showtimes*

Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

Customer #1: *coughing and choking* “H-hi.” *hack* “I’m g-*hack*-good.”

(She continues to stand there, coughing and occasionally retching. At this point, a second customer comes in and stands behind her, very patiently waiting for his turn.)

Customer #1: “I’ll take *hack* one for *retch*…”

(Customer #1 then proceeds to vomit all over my counter, leaving a huge puddle of phlegm right in front of the hole through which money and tickets are exchanged. My second customer, who has been trying not to look as disgusted as I feel, runs into the main building to inform the manager of what has happened, since I can’t use my radio with Customer #1 still standing there.)

Customer #1: “Sorry. I’d like one ticket for—” *retches and spits up more vomit on the floor* “One for [Movie], please.”

Me: *trying not to lose my own breakfast* “That’ll be [price], please…”

(Customer #1 proceeds to hand me her rewards card and credit card over her own vomit puddle. I try to process the order without touching her cards more than necessary, and without sticking her ticket into the puddle.)

Me: “Enjoy… enjoy your show.”

Manager: *opening the door to the box office* “Are you okay, [My Name]?”

Customer #1: “Yeah… Sorry.” *hack*

Me: “Eww… Can I go wash my hands?”

Manager: “Yeah, go ahead and go on break. I’ll clean this up…”

(I didn’t realize it at the time, but my second customer was a regular that suffers from throat cancer and was unable to explain what had happened. He can’t speak, and doesn’t understand English very well, so he usually writes down the movie he wants to see. My manager thought that I was the one that had gotten sick!)

(I’ve just finished cleaning the entire lobby before our next session goes in. I’m now back at the counter serving, with a large group of patrons waiting in line.)

Me: “Is that everything?”

Customer: “Yeah, but my drink is too full.”

Me: “Oh, I’ll empty some out if you like.”

Customer: “No, I’ll do it.” *tips half of her soda all over my clean bench and walks off*

(I’m working on retail in the cinema. It’s quiet because all the films have started. A lady comes down from a screen.)

Me: “Hello. Can I help?”

Customer: “Yes. My daughter and I are watching a film in screen one, and the sound is AWFUL! You can hardly hear anything. It’s terrible! Can’t you get it fixed? I’ve had my hearing tested by professionals and I’ve got the hearing of a 14-year-old, so I know I’m not just imagining it. Get it fixed. It’s ruining our film. My daughter’s been looking forward to seeing it for ages, and it’s ruined!”

(When she finally leaves, I radio the technician to check it out. Afterwards, he comes to the counter.)

Technician: “You know the problem in screen one?”

Me: “Yeah, what exactly was the problem?”

Technician: “Nothing. There’s nothing wrong with it. I didn’t do anything to fix it, because it’s fine. She must be nuts.”

(After the film, the customer approaches me at the counter again.)

Customer: “Thank you SO much for getting that problem checked out. It was SO much better afterwards!”