(A patron approaches the desk.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Patron: “Do you want the truth, or a real good lie?”

Me: “Oh, let’s go for the lie.”

Patron: “Oh, my day was terrible! My dog ran in front of a car, and the car swerved into a truck, which swerved into the ditch and flipped over! Unbeknownst to us, the truck was full of toxic waste, so my dog now has hooves!”

Me: “That was the best lie I’ve heard all day!”

Patron: “Wonderful! Now, how do I get a library card here?”

(I have a feeling he’s going to be one of our awesome patrons!)

(It is during a presidential election year, just as the Tea Party political movement is gaining support. However, it’s not widely recognized yet. My friend and I won’t be old enough to vote in the election, so we’re not paying much attention to all the political stuff. Neither of us have ever heard of the Tea Party. We’re bored one day, sitting around her house and trying to find something to do. We overhear her mom talking on the phone from the other room. We can’t hear the whole conversation, but we catch the words “Tea Party,” “library,” and “today.” Our local library often has events for children and teens, so we make some incorrect assumptions.)

Friend: “A tea party at the library? Sounds fun.”

Me: “Yeah, let’s go.”

(We head over to the library, but when we arrive, we find a bunch of people shouting and carrying signs. They’re completely blocking the entrance to the library, so we start walking through the crowd.)

Woman: *holding sign, and very loudly, to me* “It’s great to see the younger generation getting involved. [Political opinion I don’t agree with], right?”

Me: “Um…”

Friend: “Sorry, we were looking for the tea party. Do you know where…?”

Woman: *holding sign* “You found it. This is it.”

Me: “…”

Friend: “…”

Me: “But where’s the tea?”

Woman: *a bit confused* “Well… there is no tea. It’s just a metaphor. The Boston Tea Party, you know?”

(The woman walks away to go yell political slogans with people who actually want to hear them. My friend and I turn to each other with disappointed expressions.)

Friend: “No tea…”

Me: “No scones…”

Friend: “Not even those little cucumber sandwiches. This is boring. Let’s leave.”

(We ended up checking out a cookbook from the library and making scones and fruit tarts at my friend’s house. We had our own tea party, without any politics in it.)

(While working on the main circulation desk, a group of four friends, who all seemed very nice, walk up the desk. A female student asks if I can tell her the name of a book she had returned to us the previous week. In Ireland, libraries do not keep the records of a patron’s library books for privacy reasons. I explain this to her and ask if she can remember any details of the book such as author, general subject field, anything.)

Student: “I think it was purple…”

Me: *brightly* “Oh, the purple one?”

Student: *excitedly* “Do you know it?!”

Me: *excitedly* “Of course not. We have one hundred and twenty thousand books here!”

(Her friends erupted into laughter as did the student when she thought about what she said!)

(Because people always ask for things like envelopes, pens, plastic wallets, etc., we have given up telling people we are not a stationers and have started selling these small items. One such item we have started selling are small in-ear headphones. A lady approaches the counter when we are really busy.)

Customer: “Headphones. I need headphones.”

Me: “We sell headphones for £1.50. Would you like one?”

Customer: “It’s too much. Just give me.”

Me: “No, we sell them. There is the market outside if you would rather get some from there.”

Customer: “I have five pairs of headphones at home; I don’t need anymore. Just give me and I will give you it back.”

Me: “I’m not prepared to do that. They are in-ear headphones and I am not going to be able to resell them once you have finished with them.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “For hygiene reasons.”

Customer: *blank stare*

(As the customer was agitated and snappy, I tried a different approach. I had a look in my draw and saw there was an open packet we use for testing.)

Me: “Would you like these? They have been open and used by someone else.”

Customer: “Ew, no. They have been in someone else’s ears.”

Me: “That’s exactly why I can’t lend you any.”

Patron: “We need help. The screen keeps spinning and spinning and nothing is happening.”

(I look at the couple’s computer screen. They have received a could-not-be-more-obvious scam email with a link to “check your free credit rating,” clicked on the link, and entered all their personal information into the website.)

Me: “Ma’am, sir, this is a serious problem. This website is a scam that can steal your money. You need to call your bank and your credit card company right now and tell them what you did.”

(They don’t understand, or don’t want to, and get mad at me. A while later, I pass by the computers to help another patron and see they have gone to yet another sketchy website and entered all their personal information yet again.)

Me: “Do you understand that this is a serious problem? You should never put that information on a random website like that because people will steal it and take money out of your account!”

Patrons: “No, this is a different website. It puts your credit card on alert so no one can steal from it.”

Me: *giving up* “Yay!”