It Behooves You To Tell A Lie

| Bettendorf, IA, USA | Right | July 16, 2017

(A patron approaches the desk.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Patron: “Do you want the truth, or a real good lie?”

Me: “Oh, let’s go for the lie.”

Patron: “Oh, my day was terrible! My dog ran in front of a car, and the car swerved into a truck, which swerved into the ditch and flipped over! Unbeknownst to us, the truck was full of toxic waste, so my dog now has hooves!”

Me: “That was the best lie I’ve heard all day!”

Patron: “Wonderful! Now, how do I get a library card here?”

(I have a feeling he’s going to be one of our awesome patrons!)

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  • Deadpool

    Could have been worse. Could have gotten Meg’s power to… grow her fingernails.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d614a2066d3d05f62866af1ba0db7c00c76d920565ea71ead21fc1c04859ac47.jpg

    • Asiyd

      Hey man, fingernails hurt sometimes XD

      Think she could grow her toenails too?? Cause then she’s just deadly. Ever been nicked by a toenail? Ow.

  • Holly

    That should have the tag “Awesome Customers”

    • Novelista

      That’s better than I could do at a moment’s notice, and I’m a novelist!

      • naj00

        You’re a self published novelist on Amazon…who announces to the world that she’s a “novelist” in almost every one of her comments to this site.

        Congrats! — I guess we’ve all gotta start somewhere?

        • Novelista

          And all 137 of your comments indicate that you joined Disqus for the sole reason of being a troll!

          I’d say, “Congratulations, we all have to fail somewhere!” but I don’t want you to get too proud of yourself.

          (P.S.: The only reason I haven’t found an agent is that even those who specialize in erotica don’t do [email protected] I’ve done my research.)

          • Hahn Ackles

            Standing up to trolls and willing to publicly admit to being an erotic fiction writer?

            Have an upvote, you are my kind of people. 🙂

          • Novelista

            I don’t write erotica. Assault just pops up frequently. (*blush*) Half-thank-you? xD

            (Personally, I would rather it didn’t, but the characters do what they will sometimes. Maybe the next. I hope.)

          • Hahn Ackles

            Haha, sorry for the misunderstanding then. ^^;; And I kinda get what you mean, I think; a good friend of mine writes a book series that is not erotica, but sorta has the kind of content that you would expect it to be? Very real, and very real messed up situations, but not in a gratuitous kind of way. She had a hard time finding an agent, too.

          • Novelista

            My second-to-last book was supposed to be flowery and mushy and it went south. I describe it as anger, lust, confusion and maybe some other emotions all jumbled together–so the sequel kept to the same thing. (I was thinking about one of the final scenes in the sequel and I realized it was kind of Stockholm-y.)

            The prequel that needs to be finished–unless the characters run away from me again–shouldn’t have sexual abuse. Physical, mental and emotional, most definitely, but not the other.

  • Vormen Lennie Namender

    This reminds me of a concert show where the host was reading a viewer’s letter: “My wife left me, I was fired from work, my dog ran away, my car was stolen from the garage and recently I wanted to take down the garbage but suddenly I slipped, felt down and broke my legs. Therefore I would like to hear a nice song on your show.”

    • Ty Vulpine

      Country music?

      • Ladya Aloe

        Played backwards.

        • Hahn Ackles

          I understood that reference.

      • Vormen Lennie Namender

        Could work perfectly. But in this case the guests on that particular concert were from the Rock and Pop genre (Demis Roussos, C.C. Catch, Bonnie Tyler, Ingrid, Boney M., Pupo, Riccardo Fogli etc.)

  • Aro

    Reminds me of a book I read where one of the characters was a Yorkie-looking bipedal creature

  • Katie Manning

    That is no absolutely no way a “real good lie.” A good lie is one which is so believable and realistic as to cause absolutely zero suspicion in the person being lied to. That was just a story.

    • Akamar

      You mean you don’t believe that a truck full of toxic waste could mutate his dog…?

    • ShadeTail

      That depends entirely on *why* you are telling the lie.

  • Matt Westwood

    It’s immoral to tell lies. I would have denied him a library card on the grounds that I won’t have immorality in my library.

    • Cerys Robinson

      It’s immoral to tell lies if you expect to be believed. This bloke was supplying a lie upon request. The question is, does this make the OP more immoral than the liar?

      • Akamar

        I think a requested lie is simply a story? is storytelling immoral?

        • Cerys Robinson

          I suppose it depends on what the storyteller expects to achieve by telling the story.

          • Akamar

            It seems the aim was to entertain in this case.

          • Cerys Robinson

            Which would suggest that the lie in this case is not immoral, and nor is the OP’s request. Yay!

      • Matt Westwood

        Both should be crucified.

        • Cerys Robinson

          In front of the library as a warning to others, or secretly so that their immorality doesn’t infect the innocent? This is something we need to know.

          • Matt Westwood

            On prime time TV as a warning to others.

          • Trihan

            Why do I get the feeling you enjoyed Black Mirror, Matt?

    • Ian Rennie

      wait until you find out about fiction…

      • Matt Westwood

        That’s what stops things sliding isn’t it?

    • Hahn Ackles

      No politics section either, then?

  • denim

    “Can you now milk him?”

  • TheWonderRabbit

    Or… Maybe he won’t be.

    “Do you have that book you borrowed last month? It’s two weeks overdue.”

    “Oh! You see, I was walking through the woods the other day when a large Wisconsin Danger Noodle climbed out of a ground hole. The Danger Noodle was…”

    • Hahn Ackles

      If I worked at a library, I’d take that over “What are you taking about? I never borrowed that book! Are you calling me a theif?!”.

    • Novelista

      Are you sure that isn’t Scrat? (Especially since the hooves are missing? xD )

      • It’s an andrewsarchus

        For those not in the know, an andrewsarchus was one of the largest mammalian predators to have ever lived, its jaws were over three feet long, also it had hooves and was an ancestor to today’s sheep and goats

        Incedently I think the Ice Age movies dropped the ball by not having a character who was an andrewsarchus voiced by Andy Serkis

        • Novelista

          *ooos with great awe*

          Meanwhile, did you see that clip with Andy reading Trump tweets in Gollum’s voice? I may have to watch that again soon…

          • Yeah although Mark Hammil reading them in Jokers voice is better :p

  • Wow, what a card this patron is.

  • Ólafur

    The patron should be a standup guy.

  • Harvey Skaggs

    You nerds are trying to ignore your mortality, right?

    Things aren’t as funny or interesting as you make them out to be.

    • divgradcurl

      You got us. That is exactly what we’re doing.

      “The universe will be dead and entropic for infinitely longer than it was interesting and life-bearing. But on the other hand, this one time a guy told a funny story about a dog.”

      How did you figure us out?

  • Dominik Raab

    That was a wild ride.
    Read the title, somehow had to think of Beethoven. Let’s see where this is going.
    Oh, it’s about a dog! The Beethoven association was right. Let’s see how they get to that.
    … oh. It’s about hooves.
    Okay.

  • Glowworm

    Please tell me the dog’s name was Moose!

  • IHadAMew

    I’ve had the “How are you?” “Do you want the truth or a lie/are you just saying that?” a few times before, and to be honest it completely annoys me. I’m just being polite while I’m also trying to scan all your stuff as fast as I can. Are you going to continue being a tw*t or can I serve the people behind you while you tell yourself how clever you are?

    • Medusa Jordan

      People like you are the reason I tend to say very little to service workers.