(I make my husband a banana bread, his favorite, on a Sunday so he’d have it for the whole week. Each day I would make him a piece for breakfast and send one to work in a piece of foil for his coworker that he carpools with. It is now Wednesday.)

Me: *cleaning out his lunch bag* “Why is the foil from [coworker’s] banana bread in here?”

Husband: “Um…”

Me: “You ate it?”

Husband: “…Yes.”

Me: “Have you eaten the other slice every day this week?”

Husband: “…Yes.”

Me: “That was for [coworker]!”

Husband: “But, I wanted it!”

Me: “You are such a toddler!”

Husband: “I am not a toddler! I just don’t like to share!”

(I am at a pub quiz, and my ex is there hitting on another woman on our trivia team – which I find laughable given how drunk he is. Since his place was on my way home, I offer him a ride home and end up punching him pretty hard in the face when he refuses to get out of my car and tries to kiss me. The next day, he starts texting me.)

Ex-boyfriend: “So…I guess I was kind of a butt last night.”

Me: “I would’ve said ‘douche canoe’, but okay.”

Ex-boyfriend: “Oh, come on! I’m a good person, and you broke up with me for no good reason!”

Me: “Oh, right. Because constantly insisting I have a weight problem when I’m skinnier than you are, and insisting you have a right to grope me because we’re dating aren’t good reasons.”

Ex-boyfriend: “You’re overreacting.”

Me: “No. No, I’m not. I’m refusing to date a douche canoe.”

Ex-boyfriend: “By the way, why does my face hurt?”

Me: “I hit you for trying to kiss me and not getting out of my car when I told you to.”

Ex-boyfriend: “Oh…so I really was being a douche canoe last night!”

(My mom needs more pens for work. My dad hands my mom a box full of pens to show her that we have a ton.)

Mom: *struggles with box* “Can you put this box back where you found it? You have a habit of shoving stuff at me and then leaving me alone with it.”

Me: “Like me!”

(My sister and I are playing the card game ‘War’, and have paused to compare the sizes of our decks.)

Sister: “I’m rather diminished.”

Me: “Yes, you shall diminish and go into the West, and remain a loser.”

(My boyfriend decides he wants to try being silly, and randomly lays his head on my keyboard as I read a webpage.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Boyfriend: “Cats do it. They lay on keyboards and look cute.”

Me: “I usually throw my cat across the room when he does that.”

Boyfriend: *sits back up* “You wouldn’t do that to me, would you?”

Me: “Of course not.” *clicks to a different webpage* “I can’t lift you up that high.”

Boyfriend: “I see how it is. You love me as far as you can throw me!”