(My grandmother drinks a shot of cognac every day for health reasons. One day, my aunt is hosting a non-alcohol party, but makes an exception for grandma since she hasn’t had her shot yet that day.)
Aunt: “But only this one. We don’t want you to get drunk and do something stupid, do we?”
Grandmother: *in affronted voice* “I can do stupid perfectly well while I’m sober!”
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(My boyfriend and I are cuddling in bed in a hotel while we are trying to figure out what to do with our free time before dinner.)
Boyfriend: “So, I was thinking…”
(He lapses into a long silence and then yawns. I wait for him to continue but he stares off into space as if he never started speaking.)
Me: “You’re mind is so very interesting.”
Boyfriend: “What?”
Me: “You said ‘So, I was thinking…’ and then never finished your thought.”
Boyfriend: “Oh! Yeah! I was thinking that…”
(He gets distracted by the sounds of people walking by. I try to get him to verbalize his idea but after 15 minutes I still haven’t heard what it is. I’m getting frustrated.)
Me: “Jeez! Let’s just go get an early dinner! I don’t care about your idea anymore!”
Boyfriend: “Hey! That was my idea!”
(My brothers and me are close in age so we all hit puberty at roughly the same time, much to my parents’ joy. Mum is dropping us off, and gives us her most impressive ‘don’t try to be smart with me now’ look.)
Mum: “You kids, behave!”
Me: “Sure, mum. Our best behaviour, or our worst?”
(My boyfriend and I are discussing my strange affinity for picking up bits and pieces of languages just by listening.)
Me: “I’d never want to learn Japanese. Its syntax is too weird.”
Boyfriend: “But you’ve never taken a Japanese class in your life.”
Me: “Yeah, but I’ve seen enough Anime, and did enough in my Linguistics class to know it would confuse the heck out of me.”
Boyfriend: “Yea, you like to stick to less complicated languages like Mandalorian, Thalassian, and Dragonspeak.”
Me: “Dovahkiin, fah hin kogaan mu draal!”
(My husband has recently discovered mozzarella sticks that you bake at home. On one or two occasions, I have stolen one of his cheese sticks without his permission.)
Husband: “Hey, honey. I’m going to make some cheese sticks. You want any?”
Me: “No, thanks babe.”
Husband: “Are you sure? Should I make one extra so you can have just one?”
Me: “No. Does it really bother you that much to have an odd number of cheese sticks?”
Husband: “Yes! Odd numbers are for chicken strips, fish and chips and sometimes sliders. Even numbers are for sticks, nuggets and wings!”
