(I live in British Columbia and my boyfriend is from Ontario, but is coming back for school. He is supposed to come back at the beginning of August, and I haven’t seen him in three months. He’s also known for not being expressively romantic or sweet.)

Boyfriend: “I’m not going to be leaving until Friday now.”

Me: “What?! At this point it feels like you’re never coming back.”

Boyfriend: “I know, and that sucks, because I’m really excited to see you.”

Me: “That was surprisingly sweet.”

Boyfriend: “I have my moments.”

Me: “No you don’t.”

Boyfriend: “I have a contract that states I must be nice to people at least twice a year.”

(My little sister has just finished baking a batch of gingerbread men. Because she put them on different shelves in the oven, some have come out more brown than others.)

Me: “How come they’re different colours?”

Sister: “Oh, some of them are Mexican.”

Me: “Okay… so where do the other ones come from?”

Sister: “Canada.”

Me: “What? Why Canada?”

Sister: “No one cares if you eat Canadians.”

(I’ve been looking for a book for a while, and finally walk into the living room where my sister and my mom are watching a movie.)

Me: “Has anyone seen the thing with the thingy?”

Sister: “Thingy?”

Me: “You know… the thingy about the thing in the thing?”

Sister: “Yeah it’s under the thing in the other room.”

(I walk into the kitchen and on the counter under the mail, is my book.)

Me: “Found it! Thanks.”

Mom: “I don’t know how you two understand each other when all you speak is thingy language.”

Sister: “What can we say?”

Me: “We’re fluent.”

(It is late at night, and my dad is sleeping on the couch. I open the back door of the house to give our border collie a treat, but instead, he bursts through the door and runs straight for dad.)

Dad: “Mmmpphhh…mmmpppphhhh!”

Me: “Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap…”

(Dad is very bad-tempered if he’s woken up early. To my horror, the dog is writhing around on top of dad’s head.)

Me: “Oh crap!”

Dad: “Mmppphhh!”

(I grab the dog around the midsection and drag him outside, then head back in to face the music, only to find…)

Dad: *SNORE*

This story is part of our Border Collie roundup!

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(I’m male and my roommate is female, but we are not dating, nor do we have any interest in each other. My roommate tends to be very calm about nearly everything, even when she’s angry. One of my close friends comes over to watch the game, and his older brother comes with him. My roommate is sitting in an armchair reading.)

Friend’s Brother: “I’m hungry.” *to my roommate* “Hey, girly. I’m hungry.”

Roommate: *not looking up* “Kitchen’s through there.”

Friend’s Brother: “I’m not going in there to get anything! That’s your job! You’re a woman!”

Friend: *embarrassed* “Please don’t do this. I know your girlfriend just broke up with you, but—”

Friend’s Brother: “Shut up! It’s what she was put here for!” *to my roommate* “Get me a sandwich!”

(My roommate is still not looking up from her book, and is even beginning to sound bored.)

Roommate: “Only if I can break your arms and legs first, dear.”

(My friend and I burst out laughing, but his brother jumps to his feet and starts screaming.)

Friend’s Brother: “Who do you think you are?! Why do you think you can talk to me like that?”

Roommate: “Because the first amendment says I can? Because as long as you are able bodied and capable of doing things for yourself, demanding somebody else do them for you doesn’t say a whole lot about you.” *finally looking up* “Because it’s funny, and because if you’re going to be rude to me in my apartment while you’re visiting my roommate, I don’t owe you any courtesy? Need I go on?”

Friend’s Brother: “Oh, you’re asking for it now, little girl.”

Roommate: *sarcastically* “Oh, I’m shaking.”

Friend’s Brother: “I mean it!”

Roommate: *going back to her book* “Terrified.”

Friend’s Brother: “I’m gonna get you!”

Roommate: “The bread’s in the cupboard.”

(He stands there for a second glaring at her, and then goes and makes himself a sandwich. The hilarious thing is he asks her out about a week later, but she tells him she isn’t interested in a man who displays those sorts of attitudes.)