(My 10-year-old daughter is attending a summer bible school. Today they have done face painting. In the evening she comes into my bedroom after her bath, and I notice that she still has black paint on the sides of her face, so I tell her to go rewash her face.)

Daughter: “We can pretend it’s hair!”

Me: “No, you don’t have sideburns!”

Daughter: “We can tell people it’s bruises!”

Me: “NO! People will think we beat you!”

Daughter: “It’s okay; I’ll tell them I fell.”

Me: “That’s the excuse everyone uses!”

Daughter: *whispers* “I can make them believe it…”

(I’m not sure if I’m impressed or terrified.)

(My boyfriend and I are lying in bed after having sex.)

Boyfriend: “Were your marathon sessions with [ex-girlfriend] anything like this?”

Me: “Well, I was more dominant then. Why are you comparing yourself to my ex-girlfriend?”

Boyfriend: *singing* “I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was!”

Me: “No Pokémon theme songs in bed!”

(My boyfriend has promised to see me during my play, but now can’t make it for family reasons. To make it up to me, he buys me a bouquet of white roses. He comes over to my parents’ place, where I live.)

Boyfriend: *kneeling* “Oh, my darling, if only words could put together the utmost regret I have for failing you at one of your brightest moments. Let these white roses symbolize my sincerest apologies and my earnest adoration for you.”

Me: “Heh, laying it on thick, I see.”

Boyfriend: “I try. Only the best for my sweetie-kins.”

(As my boyfriend hands me the roses, my mother smacks my dad in the arm while sitting beside her.)

Dad: “Ow! What did I do?”

Mom: “How come you never do that kind of thing for me?!”

(Some time later, my mom puts my boyfriend’s roses in a vase to freshen up my room.)

Mom: “You know, legend has it that cut flowers live longer if the person that gave them to you really loves you.”

Me: “Aw, that’s sweet! Daddy gave you flowers recently, didn’t he?”

Mom: “…yeah, those only lasted for two days.”

(Mine last for more than two weeks.)

(We have a pit bull dog who loves to play with stuffed animals. Unfortunately, his idea of ‘playing’ is to rip all the stuffing out. Because of this, he’s only allowed toys rarely. We are tidying up for guests, and there are toy innards all over the floor.)

Husband: *sounding mad* “The floor needs to be swept again since SOMEONE gave the dog a toy!” *glares at me*

Me: “…wait. Didn’t YOU give him the toy?”

Husband: “That is beside the point. DON’T BRING YOUR LOGIC INTO MY RANT!”

(My boyfriend-of-a-month and I are lying in bed talking when we start being silly and tickling each other. After awhile he gets so carried away, that he spontaneously licks my arm.)

Boyfriend: *looking mortified* “I am SO sorry! That was weird, and I totally understand if you thin—”

(I cut him off by quickly licking his forehead.)

Me: “SIMBA!”