Me: “Customer service. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Is this [Hardware Store]?”

(I’m slightly confused, as to call the store you have to go through a menu and press certain numbers to actually get customer service, so it should be very clear that we are [Hardware Store].)

Me: “Yes, Ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, your automatic thingy didn’t say so!”

Me: “Oh, um… okay. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yes! I was really surprised to hear you’re closed on Thanksgiving!”

Me: “Yes, Ma’am. We’re very happy to spend the day with our families.”

Customer: “Your families? So you’re closed? What if MY family needs to buy something? Your family isn’t more important than mine! When you work in a store you should know you can’t have a family!”

Me: “Ma’am, what exactly would you have to buy from [Hardware Store] on Thanksgiving Day?”

Customer: “Well… well, I don’t know, but you should be open anyway! Just in case!”

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(I work at a major-chain hardware store, which has a problem with wild animals occasionally wandering in. Currently, a very persistent opossum has been troubling us. We’ve been catching it and letting it go behind the store, but the assistant manager has had enough.)

Me: “Sir, who is that?”

Manager: “Animal control. We’re getting that opossum out.”

Me: “He’s carrying a shovel and a bucket. How is he going to get the opossum out with that?”

Manager: “I don’t know, but I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.”

(The manager shows the animal control man where the opossum is. The man from animal control then tries to hit the opossum in the head with a shovel. I and several customers start voicing our protest and outrage as the poor animal runs away. The man from animal control swears and runs after it.)

Manager: “That is not a [Store] employee! That is not a [Store] employee!”

(I am working late evening, when a customer comes in near closing time. He is high on something and brings a 4 ft tall bong.)

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Well… umm… I broke it.”

Me: “Broke what?”

Customer: “I broke my smoker.”

Me: “Okay… what can I do to help you?”

Customer: “Screw. I need a screw. I think a screw will fix it. Or maybe something else. A screw. I need a screw. I need a screw!”

(I try to help him find the right screw, but he’s not thinking. He walks away, with his screw, and, I’m sure, another chance to get high again.)

Customer: “Need a screw. Need a screw. Need a screw…”

(I’m a female who works in the paint department. It’s quiet, and a male coworker and I are chatting. He knows nothing about paint. We are approached by an older male customer.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

(The customer ignores me, and turns to my coworker.)

Customer: “I need to paint my doors. Do you have animal paint?”

(I try and keep a straight face at this.)

Coworker: “Sorry, sir, I would not know. [My Name] is more than qualified, and can help you.”

Customer: *turning to me, visibly annoyed* “She’s a girl; she wouldn’t know. Okay missy, where’s the animal paint?”

Me: “Sir, what I think you mean is ‘enamel’ paint. There are two types. Water and—”

Customer: *angry* “No, stupid girl! Didn’t you hear me? ANIMAL PAINT! Not whatever you said.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but we only have acrylic or enamel paint. Maybe you were misled?”

(The customer slams his items on the counter and turns around screaming.)

Customer: “F****** women should stay in the kitchen!” *turns to face me* “ANIMAL PAINT!”

(I am working with my mother at her hardware store, and helping one of the employees with a remodel. The night before, I’d gone to a local bar with my male best friend. I’m female.)

Employee: “By the way, I saw you with your husband last night. Why haven’t you ever introduced us to him?”

(I am blank faced, wondering if my boyfriend had come down from Las Vegas and I had somehow magically forgotten.)

Me: “Husband?”

Mom: “[Employee], she’s not married.”

Employee: “But you were sitting at a bar with that man! Why were you at a bar with a man who’s not your husband?”

Me: “Oh! You mean [Best Friend]. We’d just gone to a movie and didn’t want to go home yet, so—”

Employee: “Why are you going to movies with someone who’s not your husband?”

Me: “Because he’s my best friend?”

Employee: “But your husband!”

Me: “I don’t have a husband.”

Employee: “Yes you do! You’re 23; you have to be married by now. Why are you going to bars with men you’re not married to?”

Mom: “I think you need to leave now, [Employee]. My daughter’s relationships are none of your business.”

Employee: “But don’t you worry about her going out with strange men?”

Mom: “[Best Friend] is not a strange man; he’s practically my son and he’s been my daughter’s best friend for almost 20 years.”

Employee: “Men and women can’t be friends!”

Me: “I’ve got 20 years of history that begs to differ.”

(The employee eventually ends up getting fired, and my best friend and I now joke about being in an incestuous marriage.)